BAG OF WEAKNESS FOR SALE!!!

Should I?.....or should I stay gone??.....that is the burning question……but at the end of the day I missed you all…….its been a crazy past couple of weeks and in this writing, I may give you all some insight of what I have been able to get through……not all the way but I am starting to see the light….its still far……I’m getting there though……how have you all been??....gosh I have missed you…….its hard not articulating my feelings to you….I felt it was best though, as I was beginning to see myself as too negative for your lives………to those that genuinely expressed concern for me….I do thank you………I’m so used to only worry about my feeling and emotions, I didn’t take into account how tied our destinies truly are……..well, where do I begin??.........let me attempt to break down what I have been doing………and what I will be doing!!!........

FAMILY:

Its been a very weird few weeks for me……I talked to my father’s parents last week…….my and my grandmother had a long talk and she informed me that she would be telling my father I called…..I didn’t really care……figured he wouldn’t call me anyway…sure enough, he did….and just like last time, he told me he would call me at least once a week……he continued to apologize for not being a good dad…….I wont say that I took it with a grain of salt…….but I took it with a grain of salt…….he called me again last night…..two times in a week span……that’s probably more than he has in my 30 years of living….and you know what?........I was happy to see his name on my caller ID……..

Now my mom and I have truly been working on our relationship…or maybe our conversations……..now when we talk, I find myself not so much ready to get off the phone with her……..we joke, call each other names and now I am getting an idea of where my humor comes from……..I think this is all that I ever really wanted…..there is an old adage, “if you don’t learn from history, you are bound to repeat it”……I never knew who I was….why I did certain things, or think the way I do…..bridging this gap with my mom is really doing wonders just for my overall attitude……..

FINANCES:

With all due respect to those going through a recession……..I have been recessed since I can remember……the times I have went through these last couple of weeks have almost been unbearable…….Quita, Rhonda, Robin, Brandon, Tahj, Lisa, Chanell, Mama C, and everyone else that has lent their time, ears, money, and patience with me…..I so thank you…….it has been hard…….to wake up and not have any food…..to get paid and have nothing to show for it………to borrow and cant give back in a timely manner is very frustrating…..and I wanted so hard to become isolated….I never want someone to think I am abusing them or using them or taking advantage of their love…….but you guys would not let me…….you forced me to smile in spite of……you know, when the devil is bothering us and people say” you just going through a storm”, I try to believe it……I know I believe it…but my faith was tested…….no, I am not out of my circumstance….but I feel myself getting stronger…….

RELATIONSHIPS/FRIENDS:

The word friend is very loose right here……I have a hard head…..and I try to see the best in people……the truth is though, you cant……and when that storm does come and you have those situations in your life that take you away from what people expect you be, you find out who really loves you…not cut for you, like you, or want to have sex with you….but LOVES you…..unconditionally……..to those that stood by me, prayed for me, and made sure I was okay, rather they were mad at me, upset with me, confused with me….once again, thank you……..

One thing I don’t discuss on my blog is my relationship status….and I don’t really want to know because I don’t want anyone to think I am calling them out or putting them on blast…….but hell, it is my blog isn’t it??........its hard trying to settle down with someone when you can stand on your own two…….I have allowed myself to be my own worse crutch………but in these past few days, I realized a lot about relationships……..you know what?...ima leave it at that……….

GOD:

“Something about the name Jesus”……..I know my faith has been built as of late……even went on a fast…..one of the hardest things I have ever done…but He told me to distance myself…..and I did…..and in that meantime, I did increase my faith…..I have been going to church…..I have had a more praying life nowadays…….and that’s the key…as much as I breathe, I need to pray….now everything else I talked about tied together……..some people left, some people came, some things, I totally stopped, and things are working themselves out….as much as I take time to say how good my God is, I have to really digest that….and its hard…I’m used to being mean, selfish, shallow, invincible, scared, lonely, hurt, and hated…..but why??......and why must I continue to think this is the direction my life will take…….

I found myself crying a lot…….and I definitely wasn’t used to that!!...was it because of my grandmother?....was it because of my multiple eviction notices?...or the lack of food in my fridge?......it’s easy to make these the reason….I thought I was having some type of mid life crisis…..God was just breaking down my soul……….for so long, I refused to show any emotions……”it is what it is”…..but its not…and we can change what it is if we try……….and that’s my starting block…….all the pain, the animosity, the frustrations…..they will be there…..I just cant let them take reign over my soul……..

Thank you all for being there for me……and thank you for those that prayed for me….and thank you to those that chose not to deal with my foolishness……..I am glad you showed me your true colors….and I don’t fault you at all………Essential Entertainment, and myself will be better for it……guns are blazing…..life is a journey……and I will never say I QUIT!!!!...........

Well, I hope to see you all tomorrow at Rolls Royce…….yes, I’m still hosting open mics….even that became a source of anguish for me……but I got through it……if you know anybody that needs $250 in their life, tell them to bring their butts to 9220 Skillman Street by 9:00 tomorrow night…….

I love yall….I so really do………

Church!!!!