YOU NEED A BACKIONOMY!!!

Fuck You!! Don’t talk to me ever again!! I quit!!

These were the words I wanted to spew on this blog.  I wanted to tell you all how much I hate the childish, insecure, heartless people that smile in my face and wait until I turn around to figure out their knife size.  But I remembered something very important:

“Vengeance is mine saith the Lord”

How is everyone doing today?  For those reading this, I appreciate you and I appreciate you taking time to check out my latest writing. I am doing a lot better within my spirit, even though I still have some important things to tell you.  The more I live my life, the more I understand the calling that has placed on me.  I may be a rapper, a host, a radio personality, comedian, or anything else you may want to title me ask, but right now, my focus is to be a man of God.  I deal with a lot of people younger than me and in their lives; I see urgency only when things are bad.  I feel that when life is good, we don’t get the same praise and prayer that we should, myself included.  We spend more time talking about how other people are creating obstacles in our life while we are not accountable for how we will rid ourselves of these things. This isn’t a blog to condemn you; just to honestly reflect on career direction.  Sometimes, we feel that nothing bad is supposed to happen. Or there is a limit on struggles at one time. Let me say something right now: Heartbreak Happens.

Last night, it was brought to my attention that if these things did not happen to me; yes, I am talking about me, then I wouldn’t have a story to tell you guys.  We see these success stories on TV and watch these rags to riches documentaries and think, “it could never happen to me”.  Well, let me say it can. Now, I know this may sound cliché, but if anyone tells you it is easy, tell them you have a golden cow for sale.  You have to lose in order to win. What if there was no rain, why appreciate the sun? Why do we appreciate income tax so much? Usually we broke the other 11 months. We want to be comfortable. We want everything to be perfect; and regardless of what we think, it’s never our fault things are the way they are.

What happened to working hard? Earning it? Doing it until you get it right? Sometimes it amazes me how people instantly get in relationships without learning the other person. You have been talking to them on the phone for 2 weeks straight, a few dates, now you are an item…hmmmm. Artists go to clubs and think everyone is supposed to LOOOOOOOVVVVEE their song….the first time they hear it!! We accept a job and get mad because the first week we are there, we found out someone doing the same job we are doing, gets paid more than us!! It’s amazing the jealousy we hold inside of us instead of working on becoming a better person.

What would the world be like if God stop giving out blessings? How would you feel?  Would you even realize it? I think we should spend more time thanking God for still blessing those around us so that we can see it!! We all have an appointed time. What we fell to realize is that before that time happens, we must first past a series of tests. These trials and tribulations are not there to destroy you, but to build your character and prepare you for your next adventure.  It’s almost like playing a game; you earn powers on this level that will help you get through the next one: We simply wanna walk through the level without gaining any XP points. 

Let me say this to my hip hop base before I get out of here. I wasn’t going to say anything (after thinking I was going to say something), but I’m at peace now.  I can say this with loving kindness in my words: F#@K YA FEELINGS.  Seriously. You spend more time whining and complaining instead of being proactive and grinding.  Everything you have said, I have been there. I have felt the same way. And I know better now.  Now, let’s put this all together: you need to work, grind, pray, learn, succeed, fail, overcome, and remain at peace before you can live. Stop trying to lean on your own understanding. What you need to understand is nothing happens overnight: not even the lottery.  I love you guys but you making me go crazy.  For a minute there, I thought I was beginning not to love making music and performing anymore. I thought I hated hosting.  Nah, I love that. I just realized now I may need to get a different crowd. And as much as one doesn’t like leaving his first love, I must do what I have to do.  God is too good to me for me to be sharing my talents with people who don’t appreciate Him instead of my own church family.  And I’m starting to feel guilty about that.  So hold on, grind hard, and love yourselves.

Well it’s two o’clock in the morning!! I have to get some sleep!!

Shows for the Week!!

The Incredible Radio Show!! Tuesday 12pm-2pm cst and possible Thursday

http://tunein.com/radio/The-Incredible-Radio-World-s186361/#

Championship Battle @ Kitty’s This Tuesday!! 5334 Lemmon Ave

Cyren (champ) v Skyron v Sleepy v Big DAWG v Simmy Automatik

Charlie Boy LIVE @ Club Copa this Thursday!! Big DAWG will be opening up!!

The Essential Concert Series @ Kitty’s July 7^th tix: $7 in advance, $10 at the door, $15 under 21

www.spaceshipohayses.com

Always be a blessing. It’s not about what you get; it’s about what you give………..

Love Yall!!!

Church!!

ALTHOUGH WE COME TO THE END OF THE ROAD...MAYBE??

Sitting here wondering if I am really done.  Some days, I feel like I’m on top of the world.  Others, I feel like a pawn; only being used when needed, only appreciated to be used some more.  All my life, I have defied acceptance.  I worked hard on not having an IDGAF attitude, all the while maintaining a positive outlook on life.  Even today while I was hosting, someone told me that loved my spirit. How everytime they see me I’m happy and trying to brighten people’s day.  It made me feel good until I realized that I rarely have anyone to make me feel good.  I mean I have a few people in my life that I feel “loves” me, but at the same time I wonder if I disappeared, who would care.  And that is my plight. Behind the smiles and the jokes is a person hurting.  Am I hurting for love? I’m not sure.  All I know is that each night that I lay my head down, a sigh of relief is breathed knowing I tried my best to be my best.  Who cares about my best? Who cares how much work and effort I put in to make any event I am a part of incredible? Who cares if I am the first person there, the last one to leave and the one that gets the least amount of money? Who cares if they show doesn’t run smooth as long as they have maximum customers? The answer is a blur to me.

Anything I do is funny or cool until someone feels it is directed towards them.  It is amazing how many people get offended by the things I say or do when they know this is me.  To some, I am awesome at what I do; until they feel they get the short end of the stick.  The owners, promoters, DJs, and artists don’t get the slack; I do.  For everything I try to do right, as soon as one thing wrong happens, I am to blame.  If the mics don’t work, blame Spaceship.  Car got hit? Spaceship’s fault.  Toilet stopped up? Yep, Spaceship again.  When at the end of the day all I truly care about is others enjoying themselves.  To make the patrons go out and want to tell others about what they just experienced and how they should come out next time.

I haven’t loved going out since 2009.  The year my grandmother died.  One my goals were for my grandparents to see my successful.  And since they are both gone, I don’t have that person in my life that is proud of me.  I have to proud of me.  And that is very hard to do when you are your own worst critic.  Nothing I do satisfies me.  I have a thirst for greatness and each day I want to be a better person than I was yesterday.  Or I did. I find myself fighting to care about order.  If I am going to get the short end of the stick, why should I put all my heart in soul in something knowing it’s not benefitting me? The more I work, the more I find myself being less tolerable to the BS and politics that this industry hold. I used to be so strong.  Now I feel like an exoskeleton.

In this business, one’s personal life takes a back seat. Call it unfair but that’s the life.  Just like any major entertainer, the demand and schedule can leave a lot of lonely nights and traveling that some people don’t understand.  For me, I work hard on separating my personal and business.  But when my business affects my personal, it becomes problematic.   I left teaching to pursue this life, and I was happy with my release from Ally because I knew what I could accomplish.  It’s not finances, travel, the schedule, or even the groupies that drain me; it’s the one’s I call my friends and family. The people I have built relationships with and the ones that take my talent as an “anybody can do it” task.  This is where I don’t feel appreciated. That little devil is on my shoulder saying if anybody can do what you do, let them do it.  But I have a commitment to music.  I want to be the beacon of light for my generation.

I just don’t know.  I decided to write because that’s all I can do.  Even knowing as many people that I do, I still feel alone.  I feel like no one understands my struggle.  And if they do, they don’t care. So why talk about it.  Maybe walking away will let me see clearly if this is what I want to do.  I don’t think I will be missed.   If anything, I may become an afterthought.  A person with little historical value to this thing we call hip hop.  Now, the question is can I deal with that? Can I deal with knowing all my hard work was truly in vain?  I guess I am about to find out.  I love yall.  I don’t know how I will feel when I wake up, but the decision I make, I will stand by.  And I pray you will stand by me.

Love yall!!!!!!

Church

WD-SPACESHIP

Years are fast. I never imagined that the last blog I would write would be my last for almost a year.  The world has changed tremendously for me, and I will do my best to itemize this adventure without pissing off too many people. The question I have though is, “should it matter who I piss off?” In the year I have been gone, I have had a journey that only I was allowed to take. True, there have been many guardians by my side, but the walk has been a singular one. Last December is such a distant memory and yet, as 2013 approaches, I am excited about the things I have coming in store. I missed y'all tremendously.  There were a few times when I attempted to write. I think the day I got fired from my job, the day Operation Hip Hop dropped, and yesterday, the 3 year anniversary of my grandma passing.  For some reason, I deferred on those dates and chose today. I do apologize for my procrastination. It was intentional.

Well, for those that don’t know, I’m a full blown entertainer. Got fired from my job in March; a week before my birthday. And I was honestly relieved. I had asked God to take me from that situation but to make sure I could maintain my financial responsibilities. He has done that and much more.  Just based on this year, my lifelong resolution is to do right by him forever.  I literally saw what he can do if you believe. And believing sometimes can be the hardest thing. Especially to believe in someone we can easily forget about. I think we tend to think we do all of this alone. Promotions, kids, dating, advancements in life- we are not that powerful. We dictate the paths we take, but those paths are only given to us by God. For the first time in my life, I feel I am finally taking the right paths.

Sometimes it’s the simplest things that can change one’s fortunes. For me, it was my thinking. My actions were cool, but I lived with much doubt. Doubt in myself, doubt in my dreams, doubt in my ability to be great. I even think there was a fear to succeed. If I do make it, what next?? I had every excuse not to move to the next level. I didn’t want to charge people that have looked out for me, I was loyal to those that helped me get to where I was, and I don’t want to leave my kids. To me, these were valid points. So why am I doing this if I’m never going to expand my vision?? I can’t be a local joker; I have to succeed.  When I looked at all the investments I have made for this career, I can’t give up now. Once that thought began to process in my brain and the wheels started turning, I began to walk into that destiny. More doors were opening, not because of hook up factors, but because I EARNED them. My focus lessened on the struggle and more on the journey. We look at the circumstance too much in our lives. There are a lot of people living close to that poverty line; it’s simply your outlook and if you will let your circumstance determine your happiness.

Faith with works is dead. You can talk all day about what you gonna do, but what are you really doing?? Are you really putting in the time and effort into your dream? As an artist and a host, I see both sides of the spectrum. Its funny how I hear these cats talk about grinding and hustling but I rarely see you out in the streets. Posting videos and YouTube links on facebook don’t count. And yes, we all have lives and things to do. If that’s the case, STOP RAPPING!.....you are making a mockery of the industry and wasting time for others that really love this.  There were many things people in the industry told me but until I took a grasp of those things, I would never succeed. You have to invest in yourself, you have to create a buzz for yourself, and the music is only part of the business. The more you sew, the more you will reap. It is in your investment into yourself that the benefits will come. How do you gain interest on money if you never put anything in the bank?

So this is what is on my mind now. Greatness. Working and focusing on being the best person I can be and doing it honestly with respect to all those I am involved with. I want to extend a thank you for those that have stood by me this past year. I know I have a handful to work with lol. I’m getting there. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.

 

 

Love Yall!!!!

 

 

Church!!

DON'T LIKE YOU, NEVER HAVE

Dear You:

　

Thank you. For so long, I had been wondering what was wrong with me. It seems like time is flying by and I don’t have one clue on how to fix what I have messed up. That is until last night. Sometimes, we don’t understand why things happen to us. Or why we must take the path that God has chosen for us. It has been my mission to become all I can be, yet somehow, I continue to fight with the demons and inconsistencies that I am accustomed to. I try not to focus on negative much but I do ask myself all the time, “where is this leading?” Last night, you created a passion in me that I have not had since 2009. Yep, that was the year my grandmother passed. And probably the year I achieved the most success of my adult life. 2010 was a year I don’t remember. If someone said I let them down that year, I would not argue. My mind transform into this cave of solitude; I no longer had the “mojo” I once claimed to be the holder of.

Music was my only outlet. Yea, I had Jayla but since didn’t care about who I thought I was. She only cared about me being daddy. And that was fine as long as she was around. Without her in my face, I was a shell of my former self. I became a walking silhouette. I loved music, I loved hearing, breathing, surrounding myself with music but I stopped writing it. I stopped hosting it. I didn’t want to be associated with it under the premise that I had to take a vested interest in it. Music became a friend with benefits. My DJ was gone, my Essential Entertainment family was gone, my motivation was gone. I decided in 2011 to re-dedicate myself to my endeavors of music. I forced myself to stay “in my zone”. I set ground rules and regulations to ensure I did it right this time. I learned alot during my time off that I really didn’t understand until I got back in the game. I became a business man.

The hardest part about this journey was that I did become a little lazy and also dependant on people. Now, it was time for me to do it on my own. Sure, I will always have people to support me, but this was MY dream. This is MY destiny. I got the radio show poppin, started to work on the album a little more, and even started re-appearing at different shows. Over the course of this last year, I have added leading actor, comedian, stage manager, director, sound technician, caterer, and critic to my resume. I always wanted to get back to hosting but I refused to take over for my little bro who is doing his thing with Ja-Roq. I didn’t want to start my own club night because I know how risky and annoying those things could be. Until I realized that that is my calling. Some say I’m stupid for being so transparent and personal with people, knowing they can use that against me or take my words out of context. Oh well. This is me. I’m not perfect. Not even going to try to be anymore. That shit is hard to do!! What I am going to do is work hard on being a better me. And to reach my potential.

Now you may be reading this and asking yourself, “what the hell does any of this have to do with me?” Well, I shall tell you. Because of your snide remarks and and blatant disrespect of the hip hop community last night, you are officially the straw that broke the camel’s back. You are now my motivation. You became the face of everything I work hard to defeat. It’s not about “me” winning; it’s about “us”. And who is “us”? The many artist who are working hard to get their music out there and be heard. The artist that just want to be appreciated for their craft. The ones that want real talk and not just a fake ass gangsta taking them for granted. See, I have seen plenty of people like you, swearing you for the streets. But in reality, you just trying to line your pockets so that the streets can pay your fee. You don’t have a clue about the heart and soul of this music thing. The beat of every one of these underground artist goes through my veins and I will not allow wack people to deter them from their dreams. See, what you fail to realize about me is that I am smarter than you know. I’m methodical. I been doing this so long, I got tired. Now, I have a reason. I will not let you destroy Dallas hip hop. I will never judge you but I also can see what is not good for me. Some things, I have learned to stay away from.

Now I do understand every one will not hear my message. Some people that do hear it, will still be drawn to you and its not because they don’t know any better. It’s just that is all they are comfortable with. So don’t be surprised if less and less people want you in their presence. If someone sees or hears you, don’t get mad if they tune you out- it’s the nature of the beast. Rap, go somewhere. You have hurt too many of my people and its time you died a quick death. I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make you and your kind a thing of the past.

　

Love Always,

　

S.O.T.I

A FAMOUS NOBODY RELATED TO NOBODY FAMOUS

Bueno!! It’s almost a new year already!! Wow!! How are you great people doing today? I must say that besides being high as shit right now, I am very blessed. Thankful that each and every one of you are reading this today. For the newbies, this is Wise Words of Spaceship, brought to you by Spaceship Ohayses. Today’s edition will be just a brief recap of this past year, while also looking forward to what 2012 may hold. If you would have told me back in 85 that I would be writing a blog in 2012, I would have called you nuts!! I thought the world was gonna end in 1999 (damn you Prince!). Here I a, fresher than ever, with hopefully some fresh nuggets and wisdom for you to carry forth into the New Year.

I have to say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, this was one of the hardest years of my life in terms of having faith in myself. I don’t think I have ever been in such situations where I doubted myself so often. The great thing about this year was that I got closer to God. Not to the point where I want to be, but closer than I was. I can feel His presence a little more now. You know, there are a lot of people who say they know God and are “religious”, but it’s a totally different thing to recognize when he is in the midst. Growing up into my 20’s, this was something I lacked. I had always had a connection with him, but it was primarily through my grandmother forcing me to go to church. As my spirit became less recognizable to me, I had to ask God, “What is it?” “What do you want from me?” I became more desperate to have his anointing in my life. I realized that after the family turns their back on you, the friends disappear, the fuck buddies migrate somewhere else, and the only person I could depend on was Jesus. Now, I am nowhere near where I want to be; and the journey is hard. I am now recommitted to living as “righteous” as possible. I could never be a guy that forgets my worldly ways as they help me deal with and assist people that are trying to change their lives as well.

I had an album come out. “Operation: Hip Hop”. Well, in my mind at least. I was hoping to have the album out this past summer. Unfortunately, I was not able to complete that task so I am looking forward to having it done by my birthday next year Speaking of which- this year’s birthday bash was off the shackles!! I try to do something different each year in terms of my birthday celebration and this year’s party was nothing shy of a spectacle. I wanna thank each and every person that showed up and showed out. Next year, we are going to do it bigger and better! Definitely be on the look out for the album as it will be something like a classic. And I won’t be talking about the same thing every song.

I’ve started to learn how to love again. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do. One of the most difficult feelings I have had to administer. I have always been a lover- I think. And as many of you know, I have been married. I truly believe that that experience affected me more than I would like to admit and my heart begin to hardened. Over time, instead of focusing on finding someone compatible to me, I was too busy looking at what was wrong in a person (like I’m perfect or some shit). I ruled out folks just because of ideologies didn’t appeal to me. I was quick to anger, quicker to discard, and even quicker to forget. As much as I proclaimed I wanted to be with someone, my actions didn’t show it; and my mind didn’t want to fathom it. Then something clicked. Something inside of me is changing (yes, I do know it has to do with my relationship with Christ) and it’s kind of cool. The only thing I regret is that I have met some awesome women that I may have cheated out of relationships that I know would have been awesome. And for that, I apologize. Kinda. My sister asked me the other day was I scared of my destiny and knowing that God will put an awesome woman in my life #NOMOREHOODRATS. I thought this was a very valid question and one I had to accept and consider. So now, I go into 2012 focused on not only loving myself and my kids, but hopefully my future wife as well. It feels good having feelings again. It’s been a long time.

I am also looking forward to being cast in my first play in a very long time. The play is called “His, Hers, and Mine’s” and will be coming out January 28th at the UNT Auditorium. I am more than excited about it. When I look back on 2011, I have continued my performing, have hosted or co-hosted 4 online radio shows, began my career as a stand up comic, went to Las Vegas and hosted a show there (also performed), and now acting and directing. It’s hard for someone like myself to get down on myself when God does so many great things in my life. *back from tangent* Okay, so starring in this play has allowed me to become a stage manager for another play the writer has. At first, I was kind of bummed because to me, a stage manager is nothing but a glorified errand runner. But the more I prayed about it and thought about it, I became excited. I don’t know much about directing a play and this gives me an opportunity to learn for an actual director and see what they see. I have to accept being a follower in order to be a good leader. If we don’t follow, how can we ever lead? We would never know where we are going. Sitting in rehearsal last night gave me a sense of entitlement and peace that not only can I and will I accept my position but I am excited about it. I pray you all can make it out.

If you want more details, please get at me!! Also if you would like to place an ad in the program for a very inexpensive price, let me know. Promotion opportunities are great!!

Well, I think I am about to go. Its not even 12 and I am so ready to go right now. I love yall so much and I truly wish you and your family a Happy New Year!!


Love Yall!!!


Church!!!

FEE FI FOE....DUMB??

So, as I sit here at work, I decide I may need to let some things out. It’s been a while since I can remember blogging twice in a week. Don’t exactly know where this blog will take me; all I know is that I am currently full and need to vent. With that being said, HELLO FOLKS!! Welcome to another edition of Wise Words of Spaceship, hosted by me, Spaceship Ohayses the Incredible. I may not be right; I may not be wrong. What I am is me. And I pray that you guys enjoy this journey with me!

Well, I just got over the 2 yr anniversary of my grandmother passing. It seems like only yesterday when I would call home to Michigan and laugh and joke with her. As much as I move forward, I still feel the void. With all my issues, I wish she was still here. When I would call her, I knew I would receive the truth. It may not be what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. Sometimes, besides my sister Charita, I miss that. The older I get, the more I appreciate the honesty she bestowed on me. As I travel through life and meet more and more people, I wonder, “What happened to that?” What happened to honesty and the understanding that honesty is not negative? It amazes me how we as a society want people to lie to us and to cater to our insecure emotions. Constructive criticism has been surpassed with an attitude of “it’s not my problem”. We proclaim that “this is my friend”; yet tell everyone within listening distance instead of the person of interest our disposition. A sad state of affairs I think.

Where did we go wrong? As a child, as much as my grandparents disciplined me for lying, I understood the importance of telling the truth. Yes, I may have got a whooping for doing something wrong, but my grandparents made sure I knew that telling the truth was the right thing to do. After all, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. How we handle those mistakes is what creates our character. Now and days, we throw our inconsistencies under a rug or in a closet, whichever one is closest. We will deny our flaws until we are blue in the face, hoping that the discovery of the truth will become less important as time goes by. Yet, it still lingers. Our word becomes our bond and once we break the bond of our own self respect, we begin to look for it by investigating others’ flaws and situations. Might as well throw rocks since everyone lives in a glass house huh?

Then we have our friends. You know, the ones that want us to go to the clubs with them, call us late at night with advice, and go shopping with us. The one you were with when you met that man/woman of your liking. It amazes me how we can say someone is a friend but as soon as they say something that goes against your mind state (even if you asked for their opinion); we begin to look at them differently. How many times have you heard of seen someone get upset with a friend because of something an associate or bystander tells them? How many friends have dissipated relationships because you ask for their opinion and they give an honest one? We say we want folks in our life that “keep it real”; we forget the rest of that quote in our heads is “keep it real as long as it doesn’t upset me”. It is time for us to stop wanted our egos stroked like young kids playing football and handle the responsibilities of adults and to think like one. No one will ever agree with everything we say, so why are we upset when it happens?

And oh, don’t let me get on relationships!! How many times have you heard a woman say, “just tell me the truth, no matter how much it hurts”? Ummm, are you sure about that? I crack up when a woman ask me a question she KNOWS she doesn’t want my answer to. Like she is trying me. If you choose to put yourself on that limb, be prepared to take the answers people have. All because someone loves you doesn’t mean they will agree with you at all times. To me, that’s what makes people great; the ability to think on their own. The differences we share as humans. If there was 53 billion other Spaceship Ohayses’ in the world, I wouldn’t feel as great as I do. If my woman agreed with everything I said and did, how would she be considered a help-meet? More like an enabler to me. IF a woman stayed with me, cheated on me, and kept feeding me crap, why would I want to stay, or better yet, how could I fix myself and the situation if we wanted to try to make it work?

We need to look in ourselves people- me included. Now is not the time to be weak emotionally and beg that your peers feed into your self absorbed ways. Understand that in life, we all make mistakes and not everyone will agree with the things we do. Be able to take it as well as dish it out. We are all critics of some things, except ourselves. We place our ideals, morals, values, and thoughts on a pedestal when in fact; we are just as simple as the rest of the animals in this kingdom. If we promote better communication- without hostile backlash- we can continue to raise our kids right, get back to neighborhoods being villages, and move closer to all of our ultimate goal- betterment.

I’m just saying.

THIS SUNDAY, YALL COME ROCK WEITH ME!!! TWO SHOWS, ONE NIGHT……IT IS GOING DOWN!!...FIRST I WILL BE PERFORMING AND HOSTING AT THE MOSCATO MUSIC LOUNGE, NIK CEO BIRTHDAY EDITION!! IT STARTS AT 6PM AT CLUB ARNETIC (2826 ELM STRRET IN DEEP ELLUM)…THEN, WHEN I LEAVE THER, I WILL BE HOSTING THE BEST OF THE BEST CONCERT AT EMERALD CITY IN SOUTH DALLAS (ON THE CORNER OF MARTIN LUTHER KING AND ATLANTA)!!....TWO GREAT EVENTS, ONE GREAT ENTERTAINER….ME!!.......

Well, let me get back to work. Just had to vent #OPERATIONHIPHOP

Love yall!!!



Church!!

TIME FOR A CHANGE

December 11, 2011

4:38pm

Dear You,

I hope to find you in good spirits. Not because this letter was inevitable, but because by the end of this letter, I hope you understand my heart. This is not a letter to give me “a way out”; I prefer the “no argument” routine myself. Through all that we have been through, I realize that I no longer have anything to say. At this point, creating a back and forth discussion with no end would be pointless. So this is my way to say goodbye. And I pray you will digest what I have to say.

They say you can’t change a person. That is true. What do you do when that person changes and those changes are detrimental to our growth? I love you dearly but I am not in love with the person you have become. The one thing that may me come on to you was your grind. You made sure each and every day you did something to be a stranger, wiser, and better person than yesterday. Now, you spend more time watching my Facebook statuses and worried about what I am doing than anything. I don’t do clingy. I hear so many women talk about how they wanna go out with their home girls and still want to have a life when their man is possessive and controlling but with you, you wanna be everywhere I am. I think if they had a Take Your Boo to work day, you would want to come. You make me feel like I am doing something wrong. I remember when we used to have fun together. When we saw each other, it meant something. Somewhere in my soul, I have lost the desire to wake up next to you.

You used to be such a positive person. So I ask myself, “Is it me?” I mean, my intent is not to make you feel less of yourself at any time. I give you access to all of me; mind, body, and soul. I work hard to get you to trust me, and I tell you the truth. Isn’t that what you said you wanted, no matter how much it hurt? I even met your family, something I never do. My wall was willing to be shattered because I knew like no other, you would be my wife. This wasn’t for the short term. In my mind, I had already made the decision to do things I had not done in a while. Even when we were out together, I never gave you an implication that someone was more beautiful than you. So I realized it was your insecurities. No matter what I said, no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, you would never believe you were beautiful because you didn’t believe you were beautiful. Beauty is not skin deep; it starts from within. It seems every time I tried to love you, you would push me away.

It became apparent I was boxed in a corner. We had no future and I didn’t want to lose you. I always prayed that one day, we could get back to how we used to be. Every day, I became frustrated that I couldn’t change you. I felt that was my last chance. I wanted to be loved by you and I wanted to be your hero. Whatever was going on in your life, I wanted to be the one to make it better. But you wouldn’t let me in. There’s a song that says “you have to know when to hold them, know when to fold them”. I have been holding my feelings in for so long I became sick. I became sick of your face, sick of your games, and sick of your depressing nature. In order to love me like I desire, you must love yourself first. I pray that you get things together. Not for me, but for the next person. If not, your destiny is lonely. I love you. No, I am not in love with you, but as your friend, I must tell you this. If you ever need me, I am here. I no longer will be an emotional pedofile; a man loving a child.

Sincerely,

Me