Sitting here wondering if I am really done. Some days, I feel like I’m on top of the world. Others, I feel like a pawn; only being used
when needed, only appreciated to be used some more. All my life, I have defied acceptance. I worked hard on not having an IDGAF
attitude, all the while maintaining a positive outlook on life. Even today while I was hosting, someone told
me that loved my spirit. How everytime they see me I’m happy and trying to
brighten people’s day. It made me feel
good until I realized that I rarely have anyone to make me feel good. I mean I have a few people in my life that I
feel “loves” me, but at the same time I wonder if I disappeared, who would care. And that is my plight. Behind the smiles and
the jokes is a person hurting. Am I hurting
for love? I’m not sure. All I know is
that each night that I lay my head down, a sigh of relief is breathed knowing I
tried my best to be my best. Who cares
about my best? Who cares how much work and effort I put in to make any event I
am a part of incredible? Who cares if I am the first person there, the last one
to leave and the one that gets the least amount of money? Who cares if they
show doesn’t run smooth as long as they have maximum customers? The answer is a
blur to me.
Anything I do is funny or cool until someone feels it is
directed towards them. It is amazing how
many people get offended by the things I say or do when they know this is
me. To some, I am awesome at what I do;
until they feel they get the short end of the stick. The owners, promoters, DJs, and artists don’t
get the slack; I do. For everything I
try to do right, as soon as one thing wrong happens, I am to blame. If the mics don’t work, blame Spaceship. Car got hit? Spaceship’s fault. Toilet stopped up? Yep, Spaceship again. When at the end of the day all I truly care
about is others enjoying themselves. To
make the patrons go out and want to tell others about what they just
experienced and how they should come out next time.
I haven’t loved going out since 2009. The year my grandmother died. One my goals were for my grandparents to see
my successful. And since they are both
gone, I don’t have that person in my life that is proud of me. I have to proud of me. And that is very hard to do when you are your
own worst critic. Nothing I do satisfies
me. I have a thirst for greatness and
each day I want to be a better person than I was yesterday. Or I did. I find myself fighting to care
about order. If I am going to get the
short end of the stick, why should I put all my heart in soul in something
knowing it’s not benefitting me? The more I work, the more I find myself being
less tolerable to the BS and politics that this industry hold. I used to be so
strong. Now I feel like an exoskeleton.
In this business, one’s personal life takes a back seat.
Call it unfair but that’s the life. Just
like any major entertainer, the demand and schedule can leave a lot of lonely
nights and traveling that some people don’t understand. For me, I work hard on separating my personal
and business. But when my business
affects my personal, it becomes problematic.
I left teaching to pursue this life, and I was happy with my release
from Ally because I knew what I could accomplish. It’s not finances, travel, the schedule, or
even the groupies that drain me; it’s the one’s I call my friends and family.
The people I have built relationships with and the ones that take my talent as
an “anybody can do it” task. This is
where I don’t feel appreciated. That little devil is on my shoulder saying if
anybody can do what you do, let them do it.
But I have a commitment to music.
I want to be the beacon of light for my generation.
I just don’t know. I decided
to write because that’s all I can do.
Even knowing as many people that I do, I still feel alone. I feel like no one understands my
struggle. And if they do, they don’t care.
So why talk about it. Maybe walking away
will let me see clearly if this is what I want to do. I don’t think I will be missed. If anything, I may become an
afterthought. A person with little
historical value to this thing we call hip hop.
Now, the question is can I deal with that? Can I deal with knowing all
my hard work was truly in vain? I guess
I am about to find out. I love
yall. I don’t know how I will feel when I
wake up, but the decision I make, I will stand by. And I pray you will stand by me.
Love yall!!!!!!
Church
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