Red Hand, Black Heart, White Lies

“You are just like your dad when it comes to women. And if you had it your way, you would’ve been married 5 or 6 times by now.  Every man on your dad’s side is an attention hoar. You have to change that curse……..”

Is it true? Can your genetics birth you into a life of insecurity and fornication?  All my life, I have focused on being a great person. I want to be a role model and be a person that people can look up to.  I wake up, go to work, get off, sleep, go back to work, come home, sleep and repeat. I live like a machine. But I have a crutch. And it’s the worse crutch a man can have. Women. I love women. I love talking to women, flirting with women, dating women, being nasty to women, anything that can quench my urge for the opposite race. I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, some on purpose, and was even married at one point. But they never lasted. And why is that? Back in high school, I had a motto that went: “If you are always part of the problem, then you might just be the problem.” It applied to everyone but me. My problem is that I can’t get enough of women.   I remember growing up and not talking to women. I was the “cool, funny” guy. Everyone loved me, but chicks weren’t trying to holla at a brother. I was bitter. I vowed revenge for those that said I wasn’t good enough or handsome enough or rich enough. I began to study them and dissect their thoughts with no regard of care.  It was like this all the way until college.  I had a girlfriend in college and things were good, but something happened one day and it changed my mentality. After that, I became very promiscuous and was sleeping with different women all the time. I still was cool with them, which made it more opportunistic that I would have a chance to have sex.

After our break up, I met my ex-wife. She seemed really studious and cool and I figured she was the yang to my ying. WE dated for a few years with the caveat that we would wait until marriage to consummate it. It was hard, but I did it. I was right in the prime of my hoeing and I really didn’t want to stop.  My ability to talk to women compensated for the lack of conversation or attention I felt I wasn’t getting at home. It’s harmless to talk to other women, right? We weren’t having sex or anything. We’re just conversing about life. And sex.  We got married in 2004 and I was excited to be loosened from the shackles of celibacy. Once we had sex though, it was horrible. The worse I ever had. 7 months with scheduled sex and I couldn’t take it anymore.  We ended up getting a divorce and 3 months after that, she was remarried. I was crushed. It seemed like I was not good relationship material. Being who I am, I instantly got on BlackPlanet. I met me some chicks, got back in my groove, and had some fun in Dallas. Anywhere I went, I was meeting women. Yahoo Messenger, yahoo groups, BP, Fling, grocery stores, church, clubs, I was trying to see how many women I could meet and would get to the point of wanting me. The attention I began to receive was awesome. My phone stayed ringing off the hook. Somebody was always trying to come over. I think my roommates were a little annoyed by the amount of female company I had around. Every day it was a different chick.

From 2005 to 2015, I dated quite a few women. There used to be a joke about giving out certificates if a woman made it past 90 days with me. Sometimes, when I felt it was close to that time, I would do something to mess up the relationship. I’m not a very good boyfriend. I have met some great women and I am probably the reason some of them are scarred now.  Anytime I felt someone was getting too close, I pushed them away. And I never stopped talking to other women. My excuse was we’re just cool, because I was fucking them, but still, I was entertaining other women and not spending the energy on the one I said I loved. My last 3 girlfriends have all been different; so if the same problem is arising, who is the common denominator?

I really hope some men read this. This isn’t really a blog for women because I deserve no sympathy or it’s gonna be okay. I have to get myself right. Fellas, we can have a great woman on our arm and know it, but don’t do the things to keep her. To those men that do the right thing for their woman, I commend you and salute you. I am sorry to have let you down. The woman is my life caught me conversing with other women. I cannot hide from this lie and now I must face the fact that anything I say will now be considered a lie. I have said things in anger, disgust, and fear that I should not have said and there is no excuse. I let my desires of women overtake my thought of happiness. She is not the problem, I am. And I must face the realization that I can no longer do the same things and get different results. The woman I love now, I have not shown love to.  I spent so much time trying to make sure that she loved me, that I kept doing the same shallow shit that keeps me single. Why didn’t I put the energy that I gave other women to her? Why do I allow my disrespect to overtake logical thinking? Why did I wait until I got caught to feel remorse? See, this is the issue. It’s easy to feel bad after you have hurt the person you love and they are one foot out the door. I have to do better. To the ladies that may like me and feel betrayed because you may have thought we were going to be something, I apologize. I was not upfront with you. For me, I think I’m scared to be alone. And even when I have someone, I’m scared they are going to leave me. But it’s a self-imposed fear. I don’t do what I need to do on my end not to have those fears. I worry about what she is doing because of what I am doing. I’m scared she may leave, because I may leave. I am scared she is going to cheat because I have been a cheater.

I am quick to declare that I don’t really know how to love anyone. It’s cool for me to say I don’t know what it feels like to be loved. I do know. And as hard as my heart may be, I feel the hurt I gave to her. I feel like I destroyed everything. Whether we can work through this or not, I know I may have lost the blessing God wanted me to have. I have to become better and learn from it.  It’s kinda crazy thinking about it; I have always professed that I have never cheated on a woman before. But I have, consistently and willingly, justifying my actions as harmless and simple flirting. I have been scared to share all of me, so I give it to many people at once. This is my destiny. I was meant to be here at this point in my life.  In a way, I wanted her to catch me- I don’t think I was capable of stopping myself, no matter how much I lied to her that I could. I was what she did not want. I was what I said I would not be. My intentions did not match my fraudulent behavior. I’ve never felt this bad in my life. My self-imposed fear has returned.

Do yourself a favor and stop playing games with people’s hearts. Easy for me to say after my damage is already done huh? This situation has brought me to crossroads. Either I change or perish. I am hurting so many people with disrespect and my selfish disposition. I want to be that role model; I want to be someone people can look up to. Right now, I have to look in the mirror and see what I can do to change ME. I blame everyone else for the things that have happened in my life and I need to hold myself accountable. Just pray for me.

Love yall

Church!