Good evening you guys…..I know I am a little bit late today…that’s because my schedule changed at work…..so I am here until 9…yeah, I know…missing wrestling and everything….but I am cool with it…….hope you all had a great weekend…..mine was rather busy……and scattered…..I think that is becoming the definition of my life……scattered…I’m starting to feel like the chicken with its head cut off…..going every way but don’t which one is right……almost didn’t blog today….in one of those moods again……boy, I tell you…RUTS SUCK!!...haha…that rhymed……
Before I begin writing I want to send a happy birthday to my girl Robin……happy 44th birthday love…you look good for being a cougar!!...GROWL!!!!
But on a serious note…yeah, I almost didn’t write today…been doing a lot of soul searching……I was talking to the pastor of the church I attend and one thing that stuck out about our conversation is my honesty….yeah, I write to you guys most days…and I try to open up myself and let you see the insides of a hungry entertainment…..but I haven’t been honest with myself……I take a lot of things and put them in the back burner….knowing how important it is to stay positive and not talk to much about my personal life, I have, in some regard, started to cheat myself……he told me I needed to write…..I informed him I do write….and he explained that even though I write these blogs, I don’t write my feelings ENTIRELY…..I write what I want you all to read……and its an accurate statement…..I cant talk about everything on here…..I know too many sensitive people……over this past year, I have been censored because of what some people have felt was a “shot”……rather it was a relationship with friends, family, or associates……my shows, their promoters, owners, and artists…….or simply a random question or thought I have because I am Spaceship Ohayses……its amazing how people that “think” they know me opinion differs from those that actually do know me….it has never been my intent on hurting anyone or making anyone feel uncomfortable about a situation or circumstance…….
And that is one of my issues…..justifying my actions….I don’t know if writing this blog is worth it anymore….I think I need to get back in tune with myself….I was watching the Behind the Music episode on Jennifer Hudson yesterday and they were talking about her being asked to do a movie shortly after her mother was killed….she told them she couldn’t jump into another character because she was still trying to figure out who she was now after that tragedy……I feel her pain…..everyday, I jump into my Superman suit of being Spaceship Ohayses…….I realize that I have yet to spend one day crying about my grandmother…..even though I spend most of my days wishing I could talk to her…..and not just through heaven……no matter what I go through, I have to be Spaceship and the pains I feel are building up……me being me just shrugs it off; who cares anyway…people see me and want to laugh…..want to debate, and want the pleasures met in some aspect…I wonder how my life would be different if I would have taken time to adjust to this change of having my best friend gone….I used my music as my crutch…….thinking I was as invincible as any other superhero…..I guess I am not…..
Some days I wonder if I did disappear…..just fell off the face of the Earth for a spell, who would notice?.......I’m not really sure of that answer and may not even care for it, but I think that option is imminent…..I need to get away and make some sense of what is going on in my world…..I write because I know I am imperfect….I try to spill my guts without giving too much to the masses….I would hate for someone to use my weakness against me……most of my life, I have been the rock; a foundation for those who didn’t think they could continue on……even though I knew my battles were mounting, I believe I could always win…I WOULD always win…….it just has always been that way……
I feel like Mike Tyson in fighting Buster Douglas……he was the baddest man on the planet…feared by all that came against him….he won many fights even before the bell rang….and once he was knocked out, not only was it hard for him to get back up on that day, but essentially, his career was over from that point on…….
I don’t want that for myself….so before I get knocked out, I need to regroup…..I need to make plan what truly my issues are and where I need God to help me…..I have never been this weak in my life……I have never been on the brink of going crazy like this….everywhere I turn, it seems like another obstacle……..everywhere I run, another problem…….so here I am…..standing….in the middle of my deserted island, begging for help……..
Its kinda ironic that my name is Ohayses…….my mental state of mind is searching for that oasis right now…..I’m drained…almost too fatigued to continue fighting……when do I ask myself is it worth it…..when do I say, I have had enough…….when……is it over?.....
To all of you, I thank you for your patience with me on this journey…..life is about results, and quite frankly…I haven’t shown much…….I promise that I will make all of those that truly care about me proud……..its time to shed some dead skin……its time to jump into my destiny……..but first….I must fall in love with someone I have forgotten in this process towards immortality……ME………
Love yall!!!
Church!!!
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