So I am still here at work…and it’s raining outside…the things I would do right now to get some sleep!!...how are you all doing this evening?......I’m feeling good……got some good rest last night……but you know my work is never done…..one more day until the weekend…….and even then, I still will be busy…..with all that I do, I so love the life I live….at times, it does get bothersome….sometimes, I wanna rest…….but I know better…plus I have a fear….if I rest for one moment, I will miss something and my opportunity may pass me by……..
Well, in 7 days, I will be headed to Reno for a show…..didn’t think I was going to go but now it looks like a reality…..its weird how I don’t get excited for a lot of things….but I do get extremely nervous…….for most of my events….I guess it’s the anticipation of if the crowd will enjoy themselves…….from open mics, to the black history program, to any endeavor…at the end of the day, I wanna be memorable…and if that doesn’t happen, I feel like I did not complete the mission the way it should have been…….
Not much to talk about today…..or so I say……its funny how once you start using your mind to think, other things come out……and I think that’s one of the blessings of writing everyday…to be able to open a channel of my mind that I know I wouldn’t if I didn’t use this blog as a platform to vent……it is great to go back and read a lot of what I have written….sometimes…..sometimes I have to drink truth serum and take a look at myself……although I may write a lot of meaningful things, I have to be mindful to practice what I preach……and it is hard….especially living in this world…..of course, I am no saint……I do try everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday…..some days I succeed…and some days I ask what the heck is wrong with me……I guess that’s the price of humanity……
To reflect on myself is a good thing though……when I was younger, I never thought any cared for me…..I lived in a “dog eat dog” state of mine……growing up in Flint, you pretty much had to…..I had my grandparents, but once I left the walls of Harriet Street, there was no guarantee I would make it home that night…..of course I had my hand in the hood cookie jar…….my mission was to be like the big dogs of the world…with no financial complications and all the power and clout I could muster……my dream was not to be someone of purpose, but someone with power…..
Moving to Mississippi, I felt I had an advantage over my peers….growing up in what I considered a fast pace and metropolitan lifestyle, I was not accustomed to the homely nature of the South……there was this hospitality that I was ignorant to………a realm of graciousness that was not becoming of my disposition…..I was eager to stay on my pedestal….the “ I am better than you” mentality was easily displayed in classes, card games, smoking, shopping, and anything else I could think of…..slowly though, being so isolated started to wear on me…….I wanted to be appreciated in someone other than myself eyes….but of course, I had too much pride to articulate this…..through an unsuccessful marriage and moving to Texas, I gut my wall back up…….its better to stay guarded than to be hurt……tears were for the weak….its better not to show my weakness to anyone because they could use it against me………..
Here I am, 12 years after my original migration, a total shell of my former self…..its crazy how through all the trials and tribulations, I still attempted to maintain a hardness about me……but the growth that I have seen within me only came out once I realized it was okay to share my feelings…still, I am not good at it…and may never be for fear of getting hurt……but its okay to tell someone that I care about them now…its cool to appreciate others for the things they do for me….its okay to reach out for help when I am weak….I used to think I was going to die a lonely old man…..no one would even know I was gone for a few days or weeks……I know I have people that love me and I have to show them that same respect…..its harder for me than what you think……and not because I don’t care…I have been used to disappointing people when they become attached…whether it was a girl, teammates, family, or friends…….it became acceptable and a protocol in my eyes…….get close, have fun, become disappointed, become distant again……
I am here to tell you….if God wanted us to be alone, he wouldn’t make babies……don’t allow your stubbornness to restrict the blessings of people in your life…whether right, wrong or indifferent, people are placed in your life for a reason….some people are in my life to help me stay on the straight and narrow…not to be a friend……everyone you meet wont tell you sweet music…some of it is designed to make you a better person……thank you for all that you guys do to help me become a better me……I am prepared more than ever to walk across that bridge to success with all of you on my back…..the burdens I thought were too heavy to lift are becoming a memory…and that pride I used to have, has disintegrated to humbleness…..
Well I won’t continue to be long winded…hopefully; you all get the point…thank you for molding me……
Shout outs to my girl Necole…..happy birthday big eyes…love you so much…guess now I have to take you out for ur birthday…..where are we gonna go?......Krystal’s!!!!!.....and a slurpee from 7-11!!...lmao!!...you know I am kidding…let me know when you free…..I wont be free for a few weeks but hey, rain checks work!!!...........
Love yall!!!!
Church!!!
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