Wow……I’m actually writing today…..I missed you guys so much…..really didn’t have anything constructive to talk about…..been doing a lot of reshuffling in my life….nothing major…just had to focus on being a better man……and with that, I had to give a few things up……how have you all been?....I hope to find you all in good spirits and as joyful as possible…….I’m good…ready to get off work…..like always…I guess the more things change, the more things stay the same……..
I want to sincerely thank everyone for their concern……not being funny when I say this…but I truly didn’t think this many people cared…..there became a point when I let my own insecurities take me away from the joys of life…..I begin to believe that the blog was only for my entertainment…in a way, I began to take them for granted…..I guess you never really know how many lives you touch by putting a magnifying glass to your own issues…..I want to give a special thank you to my strength and conditioning coach, Derek Daider…….even though we work together on this Essential Entertainment journey, he was there as a big brother, refusing to let me stay in my rut regardless of circumstance…..no homo….I love you bro…….
Been going to church on a regular lately…..and to be honest, sometimes I haven’t wanted to go….it seems as if Jayla knows if she is staying at my house, church is on the menu….so she makes sure I am awake and I get my butt up and go to church every Sunday…..what more can u ask for in a daughter you know??........it was funny because Stephanie forgot her car seat this past Saturday and she was upset!!.....I mean, if we could understand everything she was saying, she probably cursed her mom out……she was not happy about possibly missing church…..but that’s the push I need sometime….it would have been easy for me to roll over and go back to sleep…..but what this generation is missing…myself including…is an active faith…..and that happens when you actively pursue the grace of God……..
I think the best thing that this time off did was give me a clean slate with people……and events…..I feel the business aspect was getting too personal….as I mentioned before, I felt censored…..and I have come to grips that I should be…..its not right for me to blatantly give my side of the story to the masses and make someone feel like they are being attacked……in the same light, it was due to me showing more affection then I should….catch 22 if you will……I appreciate the people I meet and I definitely don’t wanna burn bridges…..I just have to learn to keep my mouth shut or say things with a more diplomatic perspective……all because I have this forum does not allow me to be brash and rude and uncaring of others….if I continue that path, I will reap what I sew…..don’t get wrong though….I will continue to voice my opinions……I will continue to give you insight into my world and my emotions……and I will continue to be Spaceship Ohayses……..
I have realized there are times where I feel loneliness…..its easy to think because Spaceship is everywhere and does everything, that I don’t have a void in my life…..I do…and I spend a lot of time denying it…..I find every source of an excuse to stay alone…to not have that rock beside me…..is it fear?...is it the fact that I feel I will disappoint?.....is it that I know that I am too busy?....not sure…and no this is not my calling for my own reality show…..I’m ready for completion…..on all fronts…..the tricky part is how do I go about doing this…a good friend of mine told me my problem is the wall I have up…on all fronts……and she was correct……how this wall was built, I don’t know….and what it will take to bring it down…that’s a good question……but I am focused on aligning myself up for greatness……no matter who it hurts in the end…….
And I think I just answered my own question….that has been my problem…not wanting to hurt people….and in the meanwhile, I have been hurting myself….playing with my own emotions…and pulling myself back from my rightful place in society……
And this is not a sad song; but yet, a resurrection if you will…..as much as I type, to live it is hard…..for I am human…..and a stubborn one at that stuck in my ways since I was 9……every night I pray that God will help me change my ways, actions, disposition, and course….and most days I forget my own prayer….until I lay back down…..I may not write everyday like I used to…..I may not have something funny to say all the time anymore….but I will make a promise to work as hard to be a better person……to be a better father, a better artist, a better employee and employer, and a better man…….it will take time…….in the end, that’s all I got……….
Once again, I missed yall so much!!....make sure you follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/spaceshipo
Love yall!!!
Church!!!
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