THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.....

Well, today is the day…..December 6, 2010 marks the one year anniversary of the passing of my grandmother…..today, as I look back on the past year, I wonder if she is looking down smiling on me……and I wonder if she is proud of her grandson…..throughout my life, I have been nothing less than a hard wall, distancing myself from anyone who truly cares and try to get close…actually, anything…..my feelings and emotions included….I always justify feelings as distractions from truth…..sometimes we don’t want the truth; we want comfort…..and to those that know me, understand me…and those that don’t or are attempting to get to know me, I may seem too straight forward…too blunt….to nonchalant…..an too emotionless…..I realized today that, while trying to be a defender of truth and such an honest guy, I have completely been lying to myself……I have no earthly idea who I am or what I want anymore……and for this truth, I am deeply saddened………

As much as I don’t converse about relationships, I do want to be loved……and then I tell myself that maybe…just maybe….I don’t know how to accept love……the problem is not me loving…..the wall that I have is not designed to get me in…..its purpose is to keep others out……and throughout my life, I have experienced reasons for this happening…..the great thing about my grandmother during the final years of her life, was that she finally accepted me for who I was……some people might think that is not a big deal but in my life….in my family, I was never accepted by those my senior……I was always the boy, people were waiting to fuck up so that they could say “we told you so”……I have been gone from home since 1998……rarely coming back……they were no college updates, no “how are you doing”, “what are you doing”, or “we are proud of you”……not even when I got married was my family excited……it was more trepidation of how long will it last……that played a major factor in trying to make it work for me……but shortly after my grandfather passed away, my grandmother and I began to mend our relationship…..(now let me say this: the reason our relationship was scarred was two fold…..more conscious harm was done on my part…I was the cause for a lot of this and my backlash probably made it impossible for my grandmother to do these things earlier…..as kids, sometimes, we always think we are right…I was no exception)…we would converse more frequently…laugh during our talks…..and she would ask questions about my life, Jayla, my music…even asked when I was coming home to visit!!.......it put a smile on my face that I could call my grandmother and she would sound like she missed me…….it really made me push to be a better man…….

And then last year….when she passed, I felt a piece of me stopped…..its like a robot not being completed before the mad scientist dies…..I was close….and now it seems that void has come back….harder….stronger…and taller……there are many days and nights, I just long for her advice…..whether I want to hear it or not……days when I just needed her laugh….to know she was okay……its so cliché to say she’s in a better place….but selfishly looking, am I?.......I was never the type to give empathetic words or try to put myself in other shoes…..and im glad…it kills me how some people think its gonna be okay….and how I just have to cope…..duh!! do I really have a choice…..and even with that statement, I do appreciate the care and also see my wall…..I haven’t coped….don’t know if I have truly dealt with it…….life without her is so different…..it used to be easy not to talk to family members because I knew if I talk to my granny, everyone would know how I am doing……now, I wonder sometimes if my family even knows if I am alive…….

I was just learning how to love…and I was learning how to let love……now I find myself losing in this category once more….that word, love….is thrown around so much but the definition and actions of that 4 letter word is so powerful….when you tell someone you love them, you should mean it……not conditional…not half way….and the definition of your love should be confirmed……nowadays, love is a confusing state of being for me…..what should I love and who should I love…..if love is something that you have never been around, how can you identify it……how do you justify it……and how do react if it leaves……I know there are people that love me…..but why?.....and why should I trust it?.......I have been left in the cold more than I would like so why should I open my heart….why should I believe the word love even exist except in relation to God……his is the only love that unconditional…

each day that passes, I miss you more grandma…..each day that passes, you are appreciated more for you effort to love me….and for the comfort I felt in loving you and allowing you do your job as a parent….it was harder than you can imagine….or maybe not….I pray to see your face again….I know you and granddad up in heaven chillin, probably playing pokeno watching Benny Hinn, laughing at the good times…..and for that I am grateful……..I do indeed love you…..and I am sorry I didn’t learn how to love you sooner……

But you know what they say…in order to love someone, you have to love yourself first……and the first order of loving yourself is confession……..so, here it is…..

To be continued……….