Resuscitation

835 days. That’s how long it has been since my last blog. Why is not a question I have an answer for. It just is. So many things have happened in my life and most of them I don’t remember. If you have kept up with me, you know my roller coaster has been one hell of a ride. Don’t know how long I will keep this up or if this is just a one off, but I need to vent. My soul hurts right now and it is probably because of my doing.

 I have an issue with relationships, and not just the girlfriend/boyfriend type. It seems that the niche I have made as being blunt, rude, outspoken, and direct gets me into a lot of trouble. I can’t understand why people are so sensitive to criticism. I never sit back like I’m perfect and I’m willing to admit my mistakes, so it’s hard to fathom why others don’t. We can have all the excuses in the world, we can make hypotheticals all we want and we can even deny it, but the fact is that this world we live in is so pussified. And that’s what gets me into trouble. As much as I try, I care about other people feelings. I care about the pain I may bring to someone, at the same time, knowing certain things need to be said. I don’t go out my way to be hated, it just seems like it happens a lot. My team, they know me and accept that I may be abrasive at times. I focus on saying the right things in the most productive way possible. It seems like relationships now are based on offering things without showing the capabilities to deserve those things. Case in point, we meet someone, we start dating and once it becomes official, that person EXPECTS everything from you: time, honesty, communication, respect, sacrifice, etc. While this may be good in theory, what has that person truly done to receive these precious commodities? When meeting someone, I know that these things must be earned from them. Society seems to not look at it like that. Some would say, ‘No ship. We should give these things until they show us otherwise.’ To that I say otherwise could be too late. We must love each other and take care of each other but to truly be in one’s circle, it takes effort. Those that I love and love me, understand me better than most, for I know I am a dichotomy. I have yet to figure out everything in my head so how could I expect someone else to. Living and becoming great is a long process and I have to respect someone’s decision not to wait on my mind.

 We are so bitter. We spend more time hating our future based on our past. I’m guilty of it. So how do we get over those hurts and pains while simultaneously asking others to do the same? I try to ignore it. Horrible choice. I spend more time suppressing what went wrong instead of figuring out how to do right. I have so much pain built up. You do know that self infliction is pain too, right? We do more harm to ourselves by building up a wall because we can’t see the sun shining now- we create our own jail cell. We pray to get out of the confinement and we dig, and we break, and we shovel all the past hurt but as soon as we get close to seeing the sun shine, we instantly build another wall. It’s easy to blame our exes, former employers, baby parents, parents, friends, and so forth, but we have to realize that we are part of the rebuilding process too. As soon as someone says something we don’t agree too, wall. The first time the cool boss writes you up for being late again, wall. You see your ex in a happy picture without you, another wall. It’s easy for us to blame every situation on something else, even when we know the true source of our pain- ourselves.

 I don't know where to go from here honestly. Everyday I wake up with a mindset to be an inspiration and a positive force and many days I fail. I can post inspirational messages all day while wondering who is going to inspire me. That is counterproductive thinking. I know, it’s hard trying to think right. It’s too easy to think wrong. And our actions all begin with a thought. Just pray for me my friends. I’m on a new journey and I have to make some deep sacrifices internally to be able to project my love externally. Maybe I feel like this because it’s coming up on the anniversary of my grandparents passing. Something else I try to suppress. Because I’m Spaceship, I’m supposed to. Until next time my friends…….. Peace……..