Red Hand, Black Heart, White Lies

“You are just like your dad when it comes to women. And if you had it your way, you would’ve been married 5 or 6 times by now.  Every man on your dad’s side is an attention hoar. You have to change that curse……..”

Is it true? Can your genetics birth you into a life of insecurity and fornication?  All my life, I have focused on being a great person. I want to be a role model and be a person that people can look up to.  I wake up, go to work, get off, sleep, go back to work, come home, sleep and repeat. I live like a machine. But I have a crutch. And it’s the worse crutch a man can have. Women. I love women. I love talking to women, flirting with women, dating women, being nasty to women, anything that can quench my urge for the opposite race. I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, some on purpose, and was even married at one point. But they never lasted. And why is that? Back in high school, I had a motto that went: “If you are always part of the problem, then you might just be the problem.” It applied to everyone but me. My problem is that I can’t get enough of women.   I remember growing up and not talking to women. I was the “cool, funny” guy. Everyone loved me, but chicks weren’t trying to holla at a brother. I was bitter. I vowed revenge for those that said I wasn’t good enough or handsome enough or rich enough. I began to study them and dissect their thoughts with no regard of care.  It was like this all the way until college.  I had a girlfriend in college and things were good, but something happened one day and it changed my mentality. After that, I became very promiscuous and was sleeping with different women all the time. I still was cool with them, which made it more opportunistic that I would have a chance to have sex.

After our break up, I met my ex-wife. She seemed really studious and cool and I figured she was the yang to my ying. WE dated for a few years with the caveat that we would wait until marriage to consummate it. It was hard, but I did it. I was right in the prime of my hoeing and I really didn’t want to stop.  My ability to talk to women compensated for the lack of conversation or attention I felt I wasn’t getting at home. It’s harmless to talk to other women, right? We weren’t having sex or anything. We’re just conversing about life. And sex.  We got married in 2004 and I was excited to be loosened from the shackles of celibacy. Once we had sex though, it was horrible. The worse I ever had. 7 months with scheduled sex and I couldn’t take it anymore.  We ended up getting a divorce and 3 months after that, she was remarried. I was crushed. It seemed like I was not good relationship material. Being who I am, I instantly got on BlackPlanet. I met me some chicks, got back in my groove, and had some fun in Dallas. Anywhere I went, I was meeting women. Yahoo Messenger, yahoo groups, BP, Fling, grocery stores, church, clubs, I was trying to see how many women I could meet and would get to the point of wanting me. The attention I began to receive was awesome. My phone stayed ringing off the hook. Somebody was always trying to come over. I think my roommates were a little annoyed by the amount of female company I had around. Every day it was a different chick.

From 2005 to 2015, I dated quite a few women. There used to be a joke about giving out certificates if a woman made it past 90 days with me. Sometimes, when I felt it was close to that time, I would do something to mess up the relationship. I’m not a very good boyfriend. I have met some great women and I am probably the reason some of them are scarred now.  Anytime I felt someone was getting too close, I pushed them away. And I never stopped talking to other women. My excuse was we’re just cool, because I was fucking them, but still, I was entertaining other women and not spending the energy on the one I said I loved. My last 3 girlfriends have all been different; so if the same problem is arising, who is the common denominator?

I really hope some men read this. This isn’t really a blog for women because I deserve no sympathy or it’s gonna be okay. I have to get myself right. Fellas, we can have a great woman on our arm and know it, but don’t do the things to keep her. To those men that do the right thing for their woman, I commend you and salute you. I am sorry to have let you down. The woman is my life caught me conversing with other women. I cannot hide from this lie and now I must face the fact that anything I say will now be considered a lie. I have said things in anger, disgust, and fear that I should not have said and there is no excuse. I let my desires of women overtake my thought of happiness. She is not the problem, I am. And I must face the realization that I can no longer do the same things and get different results. The woman I love now, I have not shown love to.  I spent so much time trying to make sure that she loved me, that I kept doing the same shallow shit that keeps me single. Why didn’t I put the energy that I gave other women to her? Why do I allow my disrespect to overtake logical thinking? Why did I wait until I got caught to feel remorse? See, this is the issue. It’s easy to feel bad after you have hurt the person you love and they are one foot out the door. I have to do better. To the ladies that may like me and feel betrayed because you may have thought we were going to be something, I apologize. I was not upfront with you. For me, I think I’m scared to be alone. And even when I have someone, I’m scared they are going to leave me. But it’s a self-imposed fear. I don’t do what I need to do on my end not to have those fears. I worry about what she is doing because of what I am doing. I’m scared she may leave, because I may leave. I am scared she is going to cheat because I have been a cheater.

I am quick to declare that I don’t really know how to love anyone. It’s cool for me to say I don’t know what it feels like to be loved. I do know. And as hard as my heart may be, I feel the hurt I gave to her. I feel like I destroyed everything. Whether we can work through this or not, I know I may have lost the blessing God wanted me to have. I have to become better and learn from it.  It’s kinda crazy thinking about it; I have always professed that I have never cheated on a woman before. But I have, consistently and willingly, justifying my actions as harmless and simple flirting. I have been scared to share all of me, so I give it to many people at once. This is my destiny. I was meant to be here at this point in my life.  In a way, I wanted her to catch me- I don’t think I was capable of stopping myself, no matter how much I lied to her that I could. I was what she did not want. I was what I said I would not be. My intentions did not match my fraudulent behavior. I’ve never felt this bad in my life. My self-imposed fear has returned.

Do yourself a favor and stop playing games with people’s hearts. Easy for me to say after my damage is already done huh? This situation has brought me to crossroads. Either I change or perish. I am hurting so many people with disrespect and my selfish disposition. I want to be that role model; I want to be someone people can look up to. Right now, I have to look in the mirror and see what I can do to change ME. I blame everyone else for the things that have happened in my life and I need to hold myself accountable. Just pray for me.

Love yall

Church!

LETTER TO MYSELF (PART ONE)

Dear You:

October 23, 2009. I was having a release party for my new album, No Preservatives. I had done albums before, but this felt big. It was executive produced by none other than Young Gem. I had some of Dallas’ very best artists on this project with me. My project manager, Joyia, went above and beyond to have a gala event. Even my baby momma was coming. I was pumped. This day was special to me because my grandfather had passed October 22^nd 2 years prior, but it was also my grandmother’s birthday. This was my dedication to her that her grandson was doing well. All the hard work, the sweat, the grind was paying off. As the titled addressed, this was an album I felt was pure; nothing but my soul and drive, compiled to 16 songs of heat. This was my night.

The event itself has some turmoil but I didn’t care. This was the one day I was going to put everything behind me and give the crowd a memory. And did we have fun. We were turnt up before turnt up was a word. Friends, family, coworkers, fans, and strangers were all impressed with the event and I couldn’t have been more proud.  All the way home to Lewisville, I just knew my grandparents would be happy for me. I was beaming from ear to ear. It was truly a success!

  I probably got home about 3:30 that night.  I was still excited. This day was supposed to be life changing for me. My rap career was taking off. Even the owner of the M Street Bar, the club where we held the party, was ecstatic about the night. I laid in bed, high off the accomplishment, and appreciating the love I felt. Then my phone rang. It was my Aunt Tootie. I looked at the time and it was 4:37 in the morning. THIS CAN NOT BE GOOD. As I answered, I could feel the pain in her voice and with every word, breathe was sucked out of me into an almost comatose state. She called to informed me that my grandmother had a heart attack and she was hospitalized. I died that day. She ended the call with a “Don’t Worry”, but it was too late. I went to work the next Monday and took some time off so I could go see my grandmother.

I remember our last talk we had when I went home to Flint. Thinking back, it felt like closure. She was at peace with her condition and even though she told me she would be getting out soon, she also knew I couldn’t just drive back to Michigan at the drop of a dime. She had to tell me something to get me to come back. I knew it too. Her soulmate passed almost 2 yrs to the date and I can only imagine how hard it was for her to live without him. She needed to be with him and I didn’t need to be so jealous. I had to let go. On December 6, 2009, Mary Louise Barker and Jamar Jones were both pronounced dead- her in the physical, the latter in a mental and emotional form.

Why did God take them from me so soon? We were just getting to a place where  they were accepting of me and my gifts!  Why did she lie to me? Why did she tell me she was going to be ok when she knew she wasn’t? When she knew I wasn’t going to be ok? Why couldn’t they just wait until I was ready for them to die?? Why couldn’t I die instead of them? These questions filled my brain. They still do. How could they leave me so close together, knowing the pain I have every fucking year?! HOW COULD THEY?! Ever since that moment of life, I have been scared to love. And scared to let anyone love me.

I wasn’t the favorite kid, the smartest, the most handsome, the most gifted or most likely to succeed kid. Ever since I could remember, it has just been me.  Yeah, I’ve had friends, but they’ve left me. Family wasn’t the tightest group. I was the first male born into our family and was penalized for it. I didn’t do the things other kids did. I worked, went to school, and Kudos. My grandmother, who was the bread winner, gave me necessities. They didn’t teach me birds and bees, they taught me to work.  It wasn’t until I left for college that they saw something in me. Unfortunately, my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s shortly after I left my hometown. Grandma took care of him, not letting him go into a home and wither away. He lived a happy life, even in peril. When I would go home, he would speak to me as if he knew me. He just didn’t know my name or what relationship I was to him. For 7 years I struggled with the terms of this agreement- my grandfather was going to die soon. Being the oldest man and not being there was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I couldn’t quit school and be risked called a failure, especially for something that was inevitable. In the end, I feel like I let both of them down. If I would have went back home, maybe grandma would still be alive, having the comfort of one of her boys around the house, talking to her and making her feel safe. Maybe if I would have visited more instead of being scared of what my actions 5 years ago would bring? Being out of Flint, gave me new life. No one looked at me as a failure. No one told me I wouldn’t amount to anything. Going back to Flint would have brought back my pains, my loneliness, my struggles to do good. I was one of the few that made it out successfully and alive, why would I want to go back to that? 
          

Every day I think about it. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about what I could’ve done to have them here. Even though it was God’s will, I feel like it’s my fault. Again. AND that’s why I must tell you this……………

                                (turn on back)

Resuscitation

835 days. That’s how long it has been since my last blog. Why is not a question I have an answer for. It just is. So many things have happened in my life and most of them I don’t remember. If you have kept up with me, you know my roller coaster has been one hell of a ride. Don’t know how long I will keep this up or if this is just a one off, but I need to vent. My soul hurts right now and it is probably because of my doing.

 I have an issue with relationships, and not just the girlfriend/boyfriend type. It seems that the niche I have made as being blunt, rude, outspoken, and direct gets me into a lot of trouble. I can’t understand why people are so sensitive to criticism. I never sit back like I’m perfect and I’m willing to admit my mistakes, so it’s hard to fathom why others don’t. We can have all the excuses in the world, we can make hypotheticals all we want and we can even deny it, but the fact is that this world we live in is so pussified. And that’s what gets me into trouble. As much as I try, I care about other people feelings. I care about the pain I may bring to someone, at the same time, knowing certain things need to be said. I don’t go out my way to be hated, it just seems like it happens a lot. My team, they know me and accept that I may be abrasive at times. I focus on saying the right things in the most productive way possible. It seems like relationships now are based on offering things without showing the capabilities to deserve those things. Case in point, we meet someone, we start dating and once it becomes official, that person EXPECTS everything from you: time, honesty, communication, respect, sacrifice, etc. While this may be good in theory, what has that person truly done to receive these precious commodities? When meeting someone, I know that these things must be earned from them. Society seems to not look at it like that. Some would say, ‘No ship. We should give these things until they show us otherwise.’ To that I say otherwise could be too late. We must love each other and take care of each other but to truly be in one’s circle, it takes effort. Those that I love and love me, understand me better than most, for I know I am a dichotomy. I have yet to figure out everything in my head so how could I expect someone else to. Living and becoming great is a long process and I have to respect someone’s decision not to wait on my mind.

 We are so bitter. We spend more time hating our future based on our past. I’m guilty of it. So how do we get over those hurts and pains while simultaneously asking others to do the same? I try to ignore it. Horrible choice. I spend more time suppressing what went wrong instead of figuring out how to do right. I have so much pain built up. You do know that self infliction is pain too, right? We do more harm to ourselves by building up a wall because we can’t see the sun shining now- we create our own jail cell. We pray to get out of the confinement and we dig, and we break, and we shovel all the past hurt but as soon as we get close to seeing the sun shine, we instantly build another wall. It’s easy to blame our exes, former employers, baby parents, parents, friends, and so forth, but we have to realize that we are part of the rebuilding process too. As soon as someone says something we don’t agree too, wall. The first time the cool boss writes you up for being late again, wall. You see your ex in a happy picture without you, another wall. It’s easy for us to blame every situation on something else, even when we know the true source of our pain- ourselves.

 I don't know where to go from here honestly. Everyday I wake up with a mindset to be an inspiration and a positive force and many days I fail. I can post inspirational messages all day while wondering who is going to inspire me. That is counterproductive thinking. I know, it’s hard trying to think right. It’s too easy to think wrong. And our actions all begin with a thought. Just pray for me my friends. I’m on a new journey and I have to make some deep sacrifices internally to be able to project my love externally. Maybe I feel like this because it’s coming up on the anniversary of my grandparents passing. Something else I try to suppress. Because I’m Spaceship, I’m supposed to. Until next time my friends…….. Peace……..