“You are just like your dad when it comes to women. And if
you had it your way, you would’ve been married 5 or 6 times by now. Every man on your dad’s side is an attention
hoar. You have to change that curse……..”
Is it true? Can your genetics birth you into a life of
insecurity and fornication? All my life,
I have focused on being a great person. I want to be a role model and be a
person that people can look up to. I
wake up, go to work, get off, sleep, go back to work, come home, sleep and
repeat. I live like a machine. But I have a crutch. And it’s the worse crutch a
man can have. Women. I love women. I love talking to women, flirting with
women, dating women, being nasty to women, anything that can quench my urge for
the opposite race. I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, some on purpose, and was even
married at one point. But they never lasted. And why is that? Back in high
school, I had a motto that went: “If you are always part of the problem, then
you might just be the problem.” It applied to everyone but me. My problem is
that I can’t get enough of women. I
remember growing up and not talking to women. I was the “cool, funny” guy.
Everyone loved me, but chicks weren’t trying to holla at a brother. I was
bitter. I vowed revenge for those that said I wasn’t good enough or handsome
enough or rich enough. I began to study them and dissect their thoughts with no
regard of care. It was like this all the
way until college. I had a girlfriend in
college and things were good, but something happened one day and it changed my
mentality. After that, I became very promiscuous and was sleeping with
different women all the time. I still was cool with them, which made it more
opportunistic that I would have a chance to have sex.
After our break up, I met my ex-wife. She seemed really
studious and cool and I figured she was the yang to my ying. WE dated for a few
years with the caveat that we would wait until marriage to consummate it. It
was hard, but I did it. I was right in the prime of my hoeing and I really didn’t
want to stop. My ability to talk to
women compensated for the lack of conversation or attention I felt I wasn’t getting
at home. It’s harmless to talk to other women, right? We weren’t having sex or
anything. We’re just conversing about life. And sex. We got married in 2004 and I was excited to
be loosened from the shackles of celibacy. Once we had sex though, it was
horrible. The worse I ever had. 7 months with scheduled sex and I couldn’t take
it anymore. We ended up getting a
divorce and 3 months after that, she was remarried. I was crushed. It seemed
like I was not good relationship material. Being who I am, I instantly got on
BlackPlanet. I met me some chicks, got back in my groove, and had some fun in
Dallas. Anywhere I went, I was meeting women. Yahoo Messenger, yahoo groups,
BP, Fling, grocery stores, church, clubs, I was trying to see how many women I
could meet and would get to the point of wanting me. The attention I began to
receive was awesome. My phone stayed ringing off the hook. Somebody was always
trying to come over. I think my roommates were a little annoyed by the amount
of female company I had around. Every day it was a different chick.
From 2005 to 2015, I dated quite a few women. There used to
be a joke about giving out certificates if a woman made it past 90 days with
me. Sometimes, when I felt it was close to that time, I would do something to
mess up the relationship. I’m not a very good boyfriend. I have met some great
women and I am probably the reason some of them are scarred now. Anytime I felt someone was getting too close,
I pushed them away. And I never stopped talking to other women. My excuse was
we’re just cool, because I was fucking them, but still, I was entertaining other
women and not spending the energy on the one I said I loved. My last 3
girlfriends have all been different; so if the same problem is arising, who is
the common denominator?
I really hope some men read this. This isn’t really a blog
for women because I deserve no sympathy or it’s gonna be okay. I have to get myself
right. Fellas, we can have a great woman on our arm and know it, but don’t do
the things to keep her. To those men that do the right thing for their woman, I
commend you and salute you. I am sorry to have let you down. The woman is my
life caught me conversing with other women. I cannot hide from this lie and now
I must face the fact that anything I say will now be considered a lie. I have
said things in anger, disgust, and fear that I should not have said and there
is no excuse. I let my desires of women overtake my thought of happiness. She is
not the problem, I am. And I must face the realization that I can no longer do
the same things and get different results. The woman I love now, I have not
shown love to. I spent so much time trying
to make sure that she loved me, that I kept doing the same shallow shit that
keeps me single. Why didn’t I put the energy that I gave other women to her? Why
do I allow my disrespect to overtake logical thinking? Why did I wait until I
got caught to feel remorse? See, this is the issue. It’s easy to feel bad after
you have hurt the person you love and they are one foot out the door. I have to
do better. To the ladies that may like me and feel betrayed because you may
have thought we were going to be something, I apologize. I was not upfront with
you. For me, I think I’m scared to be alone. And even when I have someone, I’m
scared they are going to leave me. But it’s a self-imposed fear. I don’t do
what I need to do on my end not to have those fears. I worry about what she is
doing because of what I am doing. I’m scared she may leave, because I may
leave. I am scared she is going to cheat because I have been a cheater.
I am quick to declare that I don’t really know how to love
anyone. It’s cool for me to say I don’t know what it feels like to be loved. I
do know. And as hard as my heart may be, I feel the hurt I gave to her. I feel
like I destroyed everything. Whether we can work through this or not, I know I
may have lost the blessing God wanted me to have. I have to become better and
learn from it. It’s kinda crazy thinking
about it; I have always professed that I have never cheated on a woman before.
But I have, consistently and willingly, justifying my actions as harmless and
simple flirting. I have been scared to share all of me, so I give it to many
people at once. This is my destiny. I was meant to be here at this point in my
life. In a way, I wanted her to catch
me- I don’t think I was capable of stopping myself, no matter how much I lied
to her that I could. I was what she did not want. I was what I said I would not
be. My intentions did not match my fraudulent behavior. I’ve never felt this
bad in my life. My self-imposed fear has returned.
Do yourself a favor and stop playing games with people’s
hearts. Easy for me to say after my damage is already done huh? This situation
has brought me to crossroads. Either I change or perish. I am hurting so many
people with disrespect and my selfish disposition. I want to be that role model; I
want to be someone people can look up to. Right now, I have to look in the
mirror and see what I can do to change ME. I blame everyone else for the things
that have happened in my life and I need to hold myself accountable. Just pray
for me.
Love yall
Church!
