WHY DID I GET DIVORCED??

When I was 12 years old, I remember being outside playing in the garden at my grandmother’s house…….on one of her roses, appeared a ladybug………I was absolutely terrified of ladybugs………..but for some reason, this particular, I was not running from……..there was this pepper jelly jar that stayed in the garage…..never had anything in it, it simply tanned when we opened the garage door…….I grabbed this jar and proceeded to guide that ladybug into that jar…….my grandmother called………I hurried and closed the jar and placed in it the garage………..I ran back to help my grandmother pull some weeds and went about my day…………………

That ladybug never took another fresh breath of air……….sometimes we have to let things breathe……sometime we have to let things out………you can’t keep putting air in a tire……….a lot of my writings have been compromised…….a lot of my writings have been tainted…….as “mean” as I can be perceived at times, I truly consider the feelings of all parties…….I know, to keep interest, I can’t simply write about my upcoming shows…..hell, most of you don’t come anyway……….I have to write about my heart, my soul, and my mind…..and even when I do this, I still end up misinterpreted and possibly mistaken for taking shots……..I will state now, this blog is not intended for that purpose…………

I know I am an ass……a big one….I know that sometimes I say too much or too little………sometimes I only give my story……and I am wrong for that……”OH!!!!! SPACESHIP DUN GOT CHECKED??!!!!”””……..NO….Spaceship been thinking………..I have been very selfish……..I have restrained myself from completely loving others because of some fear………I want to get this straight first…….this is not just about my blog from yesterday……..but reading my words…sleeping and praying on it, it made the picture bigger…..it’s about Stephanie, Jayla, my momma, my family, and to those of you I call friend…….in 30 years, people have loved me because of my attitude……I have not changed………I have continued to be the funny, blunt, asshole that everyone can count on for something spontaneous and mouth dropping……….I have been known to struggle, to be a prick, to be stern, hard-headed, and stubborn………I always want people to care about me, even as I scream it more…….and there are those of you that do care……….but the question I ask myself is, how long will I hold this grudge………….

As I think about the events of the previous year, and the things I wrote just yesterday, I was wrong……….now, understand that what was written will not be labeled an aberration…..what I am saying is, I need to stop looking at things so negative once they are completed………..why must I look for infinite completion…….this young lady in question, while doing things NOW that I can look on as bad, never gave me an inclination while we were in business that she did not have Essential Entertainment’s best interest in mind…….I stand behind this………she was at one point exceptional at her job and I would not have traded her for a pot of shillings…………..
This blog is not meant to refute my writing of yesterday…….this is my microscope………..
I fear relationships………..I fear allowing someone so close that they know all of me………I do not know why this is……I love you guys…everyone that has had a breath of my body in conversation, God knows I do…….I never intend to hurt and disappoint so many people…….I know a lot of times, a question that we have about me is “Why?”………this is not just a question that I have in physical or emotional relationships……I fear having a relationship with anyone……I have tried…….too many times, I have been shown examples of wanting people to change……but how much have I changed……..this morning I woke up feeling like Janet Jackson in “Why Did I Get Married Too”………I’m the one that is supposed to have all the answers……..today, I have the questions…………

What do I do?.......how do I go about changing the grave danger to my soul?.........I’m 30 now…..I should have got it by now…….why can’t I allow God to give me all that he has for me for fear that I will lose it all?........yeah, I’m a victim of it…….scared of success….I must be…..it’s right there and I won’t grab it……….is the struggle better than the reward in my mind??.............I’ve met HT, I have a beautiful daughter, I work with the hottest acts in the DFW, I am the hottest MC in the business and yet, I’m waiting on something………right now is not the time to spare my feelings…I am becoming a failure……NO, I MA NOT A FAILURE…..BY RECOGNIZING IT NOW, I CAN STOP IT….AND I WILL!!...........

To get what you want, you have to do what you have never done…………
It’s going to be difficult………nothing earned is ever really easy…..but I need to fight……..right now I am in the ring but I’m not throwing any punches……..it’s do or die right now……..I can’t get knocked out………

This is the point in my life where I have to show my character…talking about it is not going to get the job done…….if I say I am a man, I will have to live and make decisions as a man…….I cannot allow my ignorance and selfishness to hinder my growth…….and I vow to not take you all for granted…………….

Not you mom…whom I love dearly……..the person I know gave me life………I LOVE YOU
To Stephanie……the one person that loves me so much that she hates me…….your words hit deep……..I honestly think there is nothing in the world that I could do in my mind to repay you for everything……….I LOVE YOU

To Jayla…….the ONE person I live for…….if it wasn’t for God giving me you, I don’t know where I would be…..for stabilizing my mind…I promise to be a good father to you…..and I have to live as your role model…..I LOVE YOU……

To everyone I have been shallow to…..I sincerely apologize………some of you may say I have never been mean, but if there has been times where I could have been there and I wasn’t, then I was mean….because you have been there for me…..and up until this point, I expected you to be there for me……..because you have been………I will never take your kindness, your words, your jokes, and your support for happenstance…….

And to her……this is my blog….and I vent……but some things should not be aired……and I was wrong……take care of yourself…..continue to be great……….and if God chooses our paths to cross, I pray many questions have been answered by then……..

LOVE YALL!!!!!!!

CHURCH!!!