MY FIRST, MY LAST, MY EVERYTHING

Its 1:45 in the morning and my cousin is calling me……..I know I told the family that if they needed someone to talk to, I would be there……but I have been running around with Jayla all day and I wish to go to church in the morning so this is my attempt to catch a powernap…….I look at the phone and I don’t answer…….she calls back…….I reluctantly answer not knowing how long this venting session is going to last……..

“hey nay ray.”

“hey Jones.”

“what’s wrong?”

“well, she’s gone.”

Just like that……this was the first of many phone calls I received over that past 36 hours informing me that my grandmother was gone……and yet, I have not cried…….I loved her…..everyone that knew her did…..and I appreciated all she did……..and for some reason, I’m not in that mourning state……YET………I know once I touch soil in Flint it is probably going to be a wrap……..totally different story….but for now, im holding up nicely……………..

I remember moving to Flint back in 1989…….my grandmother was working at General Motors and my grandfather had to retire early because of a heart attack he had………I know I didn’t appreciate it but it was amazing to see a woman wake up at 3 in the morning and work all day just to provide……..no I didn’t put into perspective the fact that my sister and I were not her kids………nor did I think about how much of a gap it was in her raising 3 daughters of her own to 20 years later raising 2 grandkids…include the fact that I was the first male born into the family and I now understand the struggle in store for them……….

She made sure I was in the church…..usher board, junior church, youth choir, YPWW, praise team, sign language, Purity class…….I didn’t know a lot about life…but I knew the Greater Holy Temple C.O.G.I.C was on Dort Hwy next to the Sunoco and I was not going to miss any event they had…..and more than likely, somehow, I was going to be part of the event………and it wasn’t that go to church and be involved just so people could see you type of deal either…….if I wasn’t acting godly in church, I was going to know about it when we got in the car…….and if I was really cutting up, then she didn’t care if we were in church or not……..I had some of my worse ear tugging episodes in the church…..usually when the pastor was preaching because I would be sleeping……..

My grandmother didn’t care about material things……I think her ignorance made her great……..now understand the true definition of that word…..she didn’t know anything about Used jeans, or Cross Colours……..she could care less about Jordan’s, Bo Jackson’s, and Time Hardaways…….her mission was to provide….could she have afforded it?...yeah….but she taught me that nothing can define you except your character…….her name stood alone….you didn’t associate her with the type of car they had…or the amount of money she had…you knew her as Mary Barker……….

While I lived with my grandmother, I thought I was in hell……sometimes…….I had the dilemma of being cool and being smart…….I wondered how much she really cared……I did my share of idiotic things……..I didn’t understand some things….like why she never looked at a report card…….or why she never came to a step show……..I lashed back and eventually got myself kicked out of her house…….and she let me take a black eye with me………….

Our relationship was strained, but as a child of God, she forgave me………and she continued to love me……once I went to college, it was more for the sake of “proving people wrong”…..including my grandmother….for me to give up after high school, stay in Flint and make a complete nothing of myself would have been easy……it would have been accepted as my fate…..my destiny……but I can say I strived to make my grandmother proud of me…….I wanted her to see that the things she and my grandfather did molded a great man………I longed to hear her say she was proud of me……..

But my family is not all lovey dovey…….we didn’t have to say we loved each other…it was understood….until my grandfather passed…..October 22nd, 2007…………

Once he went to heaven, things started to change…….there was this communication wall that started to break down…..I began to have relationships with all my family members…..my aunts, nieces, cousins, siblings, my mom for a while, and my grandmother……..I started to actually feel like they understood my worth…….it wasn’t the usual “ I should be a lawyer” talk, but more of a “ at least you doing something good” talk…..trust me, it was a lot better than what I used to hear……..when I conversed with my grandmother, her innocent ignorance would shine again……not really knowing what I was doing….but loving enough to encourage me because she heard the passion in my voice……..she truly became my strength as I went through my divorce, my homelessness, and my doubting if I could make it………..

I remember talking to her about 3 months ago…….all of this started with vertigo……..she fell down the basement steps and they put her on bed rest…….she got better and was on her way to recovery….the night of my album release part, October 23rd, I received a phone call from my Aunt Tootie……….grandma had a mild heart attack……it went from a heart attack, to open heart surgery, to low blood pressure, to the cardiac arrests, to the kidney and liver failure………6 weeks later, I am lost again…….I feel like the 9 year old in Georgia wondering what I am going to do because my mom and my dad were no where to be found…this time, I don’t have my grandparents to come save me……..

An old adage says, “this is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.”………this still rings true……..Sunday was designed before I was even born…there was absolutely nothing anyone could do about it……I will rejoice even through because I know my grandmother a) didn’t want to suffer and 2) was saved, sanctified, and filled with the holy ghost………

So grandma….Mary Louise Barker……we will miss you….I will miss you….but the lessons you have taught me will never be forgotten!!!

Church!!!!!