Red Hand, Black Heart, White Lies

“You are just like your dad when it comes to women. And if you had it your way, you would’ve been married 5 or 6 times by now.  Every man on your dad’s side is an attention hoar. You have to change that curse……..”

Is it true? Can your genetics birth you into a life of insecurity and fornication?  All my life, I have focused on being a great person. I want to be a role model and be a person that people can look up to.  I wake up, go to work, get off, sleep, go back to work, come home, sleep and repeat. I live like a machine. But I have a crutch. And it’s the worse crutch a man can have. Women. I love women. I love talking to women, flirting with women, dating women, being nasty to women, anything that can quench my urge for the opposite race. I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, some on purpose, and was even married at one point. But they never lasted. And why is that? Back in high school, I had a motto that went: “If you are always part of the problem, then you might just be the problem.” It applied to everyone but me. My problem is that I can’t get enough of women.   I remember growing up and not talking to women. I was the “cool, funny” guy. Everyone loved me, but chicks weren’t trying to holla at a brother. I was bitter. I vowed revenge for those that said I wasn’t good enough or handsome enough or rich enough. I began to study them and dissect their thoughts with no regard of care.  It was like this all the way until college.  I had a girlfriend in college and things were good, but something happened one day and it changed my mentality. After that, I became very promiscuous and was sleeping with different women all the time. I still was cool with them, which made it more opportunistic that I would have a chance to have sex.

After our break up, I met my ex-wife. She seemed really studious and cool and I figured she was the yang to my ying. WE dated for a few years with the caveat that we would wait until marriage to consummate it. It was hard, but I did it. I was right in the prime of my hoeing and I really didn’t want to stop.  My ability to talk to women compensated for the lack of conversation or attention I felt I wasn’t getting at home. It’s harmless to talk to other women, right? We weren’t having sex or anything. We’re just conversing about life. And sex.  We got married in 2004 and I was excited to be loosened from the shackles of celibacy. Once we had sex though, it was horrible. The worse I ever had. 7 months with scheduled sex and I couldn’t take it anymore.  We ended up getting a divorce and 3 months after that, she was remarried. I was crushed. It seemed like I was not good relationship material. Being who I am, I instantly got on BlackPlanet. I met me some chicks, got back in my groove, and had some fun in Dallas. Anywhere I went, I was meeting women. Yahoo Messenger, yahoo groups, BP, Fling, grocery stores, church, clubs, I was trying to see how many women I could meet and would get to the point of wanting me. The attention I began to receive was awesome. My phone stayed ringing off the hook. Somebody was always trying to come over. I think my roommates were a little annoyed by the amount of female company I had around. Every day it was a different chick.

From 2005 to 2015, I dated quite a few women. There used to be a joke about giving out certificates if a woman made it past 90 days with me. Sometimes, when I felt it was close to that time, I would do something to mess up the relationship. I’m not a very good boyfriend. I have met some great women and I am probably the reason some of them are scarred now.  Anytime I felt someone was getting too close, I pushed them away. And I never stopped talking to other women. My excuse was we’re just cool, because I was fucking them, but still, I was entertaining other women and not spending the energy on the one I said I loved. My last 3 girlfriends have all been different; so if the same problem is arising, who is the common denominator?

I really hope some men read this. This isn’t really a blog for women because I deserve no sympathy or it’s gonna be okay. I have to get myself right. Fellas, we can have a great woman on our arm and know it, but don’t do the things to keep her. To those men that do the right thing for their woman, I commend you and salute you. I am sorry to have let you down. The woman is my life caught me conversing with other women. I cannot hide from this lie and now I must face the fact that anything I say will now be considered a lie. I have said things in anger, disgust, and fear that I should not have said and there is no excuse. I let my desires of women overtake my thought of happiness. She is not the problem, I am. And I must face the realization that I can no longer do the same things and get different results. The woman I love now, I have not shown love to.  I spent so much time trying to make sure that she loved me, that I kept doing the same shallow shit that keeps me single. Why didn’t I put the energy that I gave other women to her? Why do I allow my disrespect to overtake logical thinking? Why did I wait until I got caught to feel remorse? See, this is the issue. It’s easy to feel bad after you have hurt the person you love and they are one foot out the door. I have to do better. To the ladies that may like me and feel betrayed because you may have thought we were going to be something, I apologize. I was not upfront with you. For me, I think I’m scared to be alone. And even when I have someone, I’m scared they are going to leave me. But it’s a self-imposed fear. I don’t do what I need to do on my end not to have those fears. I worry about what she is doing because of what I am doing. I’m scared she may leave, because I may leave. I am scared she is going to cheat because I have been a cheater.

I am quick to declare that I don’t really know how to love anyone. It’s cool for me to say I don’t know what it feels like to be loved. I do know. And as hard as my heart may be, I feel the hurt I gave to her. I feel like I destroyed everything. Whether we can work through this or not, I know I may have lost the blessing God wanted me to have. I have to become better and learn from it.  It’s kinda crazy thinking about it; I have always professed that I have never cheated on a woman before. But I have, consistently and willingly, justifying my actions as harmless and simple flirting. I have been scared to share all of me, so I give it to many people at once. This is my destiny. I was meant to be here at this point in my life.  In a way, I wanted her to catch me- I don’t think I was capable of stopping myself, no matter how much I lied to her that I could. I was what she did not want. I was what I said I would not be. My intentions did not match my fraudulent behavior. I’ve never felt this bad in my life. My self-imposed fear has returned.

Do yourself a favor and stop playing games with people’s hearts. Easy for me to say after my damage is already done huh? This situation has brought me to crossroads. Either I change or perish. I am hurting so many people with disrespect and my selfish disposition. I want to be that role model; I want to be someone people can look up to. Right now, I have to look in the mirror and see what I can do to change ME. I blame everyone else for the things that have happened in my life and I need to hold myself accountable. Just pray for me.

Love yall

Church!

LETTER TO MYSELF (PART ONE)

Dear You:

October 23, 2009. I was having a release party for my new album, No Preservatives. I had done albums before, but this felt big. It was executive produced by none other than Young Gem. I had some of Dallas’ very best artists on this project with me. My project manager, Joyia, went above and beyond to have a gala event. Even my baby momma was coming. I was pumped. This day was special to me because my grandfather had passed October 22^nd 2 years prior, but it was also my grandmother’s birthday. This was my dedication to her that her grandson was doing well. All the hard work, the sweat, the grind was paying off. As the titled addressed, this was an album I felt was pure; nothing but my soul and drive, compiled to 16 songs of heat. This was my night.

The event itself has some turmoil but I didn’t care. This was the one day I was going to put everything behind me and give the crowd a memory. And did we have fun. We were turnt up before turnt up was a word. Friends, family, coworkers, fans, and strangers were all impressed with the event and I couldn’t have been more proud.  All the way home to Lewisville, I just knew my grandparents would be happy for me. I was beaming from ear to ear. It was truly a success!

  I probably got home about 3:30 that night.  I was still excited. This day was supposed to be life changing for me. My rap career was taking off. Even the owner of the M Street Bar, the club where we held the party, was ecstatic about the night. I laid in bed, high off the accomplishment, and appreciating the love I felt. Then my phone rang. It was my Aunt Tootie. I looked at the time and it was 4:37 in the morning. THIS CAN NOT BE GOOD. As I answered, I could feel the pain in her voice and with every word, breathe was sucked out of me into an almost comatose state. She called to informed me that my grandmother had a heart attack and she was hospitalized. I died that day. She ended the call with a “Don’t Worry”, but it was too late. I went to work the next Monday and took some time off so I could go see my grandmother.

I remember our last talk we had when I went home to Flint. Thinking back, it felt like closure. She was at peace with her condition and even though she told me she would be getting out soon, she also knew I couldn’t just drive back to Michigan at the drop of a dime. She had to tell me something to get me to come back. I knew it too. Her soulmate passed almost 2 yrs to the date and I can only imagine how hard it was for her to live without him. She needed to be with him and I didn’t need to be so jealous. I had to let go. On December 6, 2009, Mary Louise Barker and Jamar Jones were both pronounced dead- her in the physical, the latter in a mental and emotional form.

Why did God take them from me so soon? We were just getting to a place where  they were accepting of me and my gifts!  Why did she lie to me? Why did she tell me she was going to be ok when she knew she wasn’t? When she knew I wasn’t going to be ok? Why couldn’t they just wait until I was ready for them to die?? Why couldn’t I die instead of them? These questions filled my brain. They still do. How could they leave me so close together, knowing the pain I have every fucking year?! HOW COULD THEY?! Ever since that moment of life, I have been scared to love. And scared to let anyone love me.

I wasn’t the favorite kid, the smartest, the most handsome, the most gifted or most likely to succeed kid. Ever since I could remember, it has just been me.  Yeah, I’ve had friends, but they’ve left me. Family wasn’t the tightest group. I was the first male born into our family and was penalized for it. I didn’t do the things other kids did. I worked, went to school, and Kudos. My grandmother, who was the bread winner, gave me necessities. They didn’t teach me birds and bees, they taught me to work.  It wasn’t until I left for college that they saw something in me. Unfortunately, my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s shortly after I left my hometown. Grandma took care of him, not letting him go into a home and wither away. He lived a happy life, even in peril. When I would go home, he would speak to me as if he knew me. He just didn’t know my name or what relationship I was to him. For 7 years I struggled with the terms of this agreement- my grandfather was going to die soon. Being the oldest man and not being there was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I couldn’t quit school and be risked called a failure, especially for something that was inevitable. In the end, I feel like I let both of them down. If I would have went back home, maybe grandma would still be alive, having the comfort of one of her boys around the house, talking to her and making her feel safe. Maybe if I would have visited more instead of being scared of what my actions 5 years ago would bring? Being out of Flint, gave me new life. No one looked at me as a failure. No one told me I wouldn’t amount to anything. Going back to Flint would have brought back my pains, my loneliness, my struggles to do good. I was one of the few that made it out successfully and alive, why would I want to go back to that? 
          

Every day I think about it. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about what I could’ve done to have them here. Even though it was God’s will, I feel like it’s my fault. Again. AND that’s why I must tell you this……………

                                (turn on back)

Resuscitation

835 days. That’s how long it has been since my last blog. Why is not a question I have an answer for. It just is. So many things have happened in my life and most of them I don’t remember. If you have kept up with me, you know my roller coaster has been one hell of a ride. Don’t know how long I will keep this up or if this is just a one off, but I need to vent. My soul hurts right now and it is probably because of my doing.

 I have an issue with relationships, and not just the girlfriend/boyfriend type. It seems that the niche I have made as being blunt, rude, outspoken, and direct gets me into a lot of trouble. I can’t understand why people are so sensitive to criticism. I never sit back like I’m perfect and I’m willing to admit my mistakes, so it’s hard to fathom why others don’t. We can have all the excuses in the world, we can make hypotheticals all we want and we can even deny it, but the fact is that this world we live in is so pussified. And that’s what gets me into trouble. As much as I try, I care about other people feelings. I care about the pain I may bring to someone, at the same time, knowing certain things need to be said. I don’t go out my way to be hated, it just seems like it happens a lot. My team, they know me and accept that I may be abrasive at times. I focus on saying the right things in the most productive way possible. It seems like relationships now are based on offering things without showing the capabilities to deserve those things. Case in point, we meet someone, we start dating and once it becomes official, that person EXPECTS everything from you: time, honesty, communication, respect, sacrifice, etc. While this may be good in theory, what has that person truly done to receive these precious commodities? When meeting someone, I know that these things must be earned from them. Society seems to not look at it like that. Some would say, ‘No ship. We should give these things until they show us otherwise.’ To that I say otherwise could be too late. We must love each other and take care of each other but to truly be in one’s circle, it takes effort. Those that I love and love me, understand me better than most, for I know I am a dichotomy. I have yet to figure out everything in my head so how could I expect someone else to. Living and becoming great is a long process and I have to respect someone’s decision not to wait on my mind.

 We are so bitter. We spend more time hating our future based on our past. I’m guilty of it. So how do we get over those hurts and pains while simultaneously asking others to do the same? I try to ignore it. Horrible choice. I spend more time suppressing what went wrong instead of figuring out how to do right. I have so much pain built up. You do know that self infliction is pain too, right? We do more harm to ourselves by building up a wall because we can’t see the sun shining now- we create our own jail cell. We pray to get out of the confinement and we dig, and we break, and we shovel all the past hurt but as soon as we get close to seeing the sun shine, we instantly build another wall. It’s easy to blame our exes, former employers, baby parents, parents, friends, and so forth, but we have to realize that we are part of the rebuilding process too. As soon as someone says something we don’t agree too, wall. The first time the cool boss writes you up for being late again, wall. You see your ex in a happy picture without you, another wall. It’s easy for us to blame every situation on something else, even when we know the true source of our pain- ourselves.

 I don't know where to go from here honestly. Everyday I wake up with a mindset to be an inspiration and a positive force and many days I fail. I can post inspirational messages all day while wondering who is going to inspire me. That is counterproductive thinking. I know, it’s hard trying to think right. It’s too easy to think wrong. And our actions all begin with a thought. Just pray for me my friends. I’m on a new journey and I have to make some deep sacrifices internally to be able to project my love externally. Maybe I feel like this because it’s coming up on the anniversary of my grandparents passing. Something else I try to suppress. Because I’m Spaceship, I’m supposed to. Until next time my friends…….. Peace……..

YOU NEED A BACKIONOMY!!!

Fuck You!! Don’t talk to me ever again!! I quit!!

These were the words I wanted to spew on this blog.  I wanted to tell you all how much I hate the childish, insecure, heartless people that smile in my face and wait until I turn around to figure out their knife size.  But I remembered something very important:

“Vengeance is mine saith the Lord”

How is everyone doing today?  For those reading this, I appreciate you and I appreciate you taking time to check out my latest writing. I am doing a lot better within my spirit, even though I still have some important things to tell you.  The more I live my life, the more I understand the calling that has placed on me.  I may be a rapper, a host, a radio personality, comedian, or anything else you may want to title me ask, but right now, my focus is to be a man of God.  I deal with a lot of people younger than me and in their lives; I see urgency only when things are bad.  I feel that when life is good, we don’t get the same praise and prayer that we should, myself included.  We spend more time talking about how other people are creating obstacles in our life while we are not accountable for how we will rid ourselves of these things. This isn’t a blog to condemn you; just to honestly reflect on career direction.  Sometimes, we feel that nothing bad is supposed to happen. Or there is a limit on struggles at one time. Let me say something right now: Heartbreak Happens.

Last night, it was brought to my attention that if these things did not happen to me; yes, I am talking about me, then I wouldn’t have a story to tell you guys.  We see these success stories on TV and watch these rags to riches documentaries and think, “it could never happen to me”.  Well, let me say it can. Now, I know this may sound cliché, but if anyone tells you it is easy, tell them you have a golden cow for sale.  You have to lose in order to win. What if there was no rain, why appreciate the sun? Why do we appreciate income tax so much? Usually we broke the other 11 months. We want to be comfortable. We want everything to be perfect; and regardless of what we think, it’s never our fault things are the way they are.

What happened to working hard? Earning it? Doing it until you get it right? Sometimes it amazes me how people instantly get in relationships without learning the other person. You have been talking to them on the phone for 2 weeks straight, a few dates, now you are an item…hmmmm. Artists go to clubs and think everyone is supposed to LOOOOOOOVVVVEE their song….the first time they hear it!! We accept a job and get mad because the first week we are there, we found out someone doing the same job we are doing, gets paid more than us!! It’s amazing the jealousy we hold inside of us instead of working on becoming a better person.

What would the world be like if God stop giving out blessings? How would you feel?  Would you even realize it? I think we should spend more time thanking God for still blessing those around us so that we can see it!! We all have an appointed time. What we fell to realize is that before that time happens, we must first past a series of tests. These trials and tribulations are not there to destroy you, but to build your character and prepare you for your next adventure.  It’s almost like playing a game; you earn powers on this level that will help you get through the next one: We simply wanna walk through the level without gaining any XP points. 

Let me say this to my hip hop base before I get out of here. I wasn’t going to say anything (after thinking I was going to say something), but I’m at peace now.  I can say this with loving kindness in my words: F#@K YA FEELINGS.  Seriously. You spend more time whining and complaining instead of being proactive and grinding.  Everything you have said, I have been there. I have felt the same way. And I know better now.  Now, let’s put this all together: you need to work, grind, pray, learn, succeed, fail, overcome, and remain at peace before you can live. Stop trying to lean on your own understanding. What you need to understand is nothing happens overnight: not even the lottery.  I love you guys but you making me go crazy.  For a minute there, I thought I was beginning not to love making music and performing anymore. I thought I hated hosting.  Nah, I love that. I just realized now I may need to get a different crowd. And as much as one doesn’t like leaving his first love, I must do what I have to do.  God is too good to me for me to be sharing my talents with people who don’t appreciate Him instead of my own church family.  And I’m starting to feel guilty about that.  So hold on, grind hard, and love yourselves.

Well it’s two o’clock in the morning!! I have to get some sleep!!

Shows for the Week!!

The Incredible Radio Show!! Tuesday 12pm-2pm cst and possible Thursday

http://tunein.com/radio/The-Incredible-Radio-World-s186361/#

Championship Battle @ Kitty’s This Tuesday!! 5334 Lemmon Ave

Cyren (champ) v Skyron v Sleepy v Big DAWG v Simmy Automatik

Charlie Boy LIVE @ Club Copa this Thursday!! Big DAWG will be opening up!!

The Essential Concert Series @ Kitty’s July 7^th tix: $7 in advance, $10 at the door, $15 under 21

www.spaceshipohayses.com

Always be a blessing. It’s not about what you get; it’s about what you give………..

Love Yall!!!

Church!!

ALTHOUGH WE COME TO THE END OF THE ROAD...MAYBE??

Sitting here wondering if I am really done.  Some days, I feel like I’m on top of the world.  Others, I feel like a pawn; only being used when needed, only appreciated to be used some more.  All my life, I have defied acceptance.  I worked hard on not having an IDGAF attitude, all the while maintaining a positive outlook on life.  Even today while I was hosting, someone told me that loved my spirit. How everytime they see me I’m happy and trying to brighten people’s day.  It made me feel good until I realized that I rarely have anyone to make me feel good.  I mean I have a few people in my life that I feel “loves” me, but at the same time I wonder if I disappeared, who would care.  And that is my plight. Behind the smiles and the jokes is a person hurting.  Am I hurting for love? I’m not sure.  All I know is that each night that I lay my head down, a sigh of relief is breathed knowing I tried my best to be my best.  Who cares about my best? Who cares how much work and effort I put in to make any event I am a part of incredible? Who cares if I am the first person there, the last one to leave and the one that gets the least amount of money? Who cares if they show doesn’t run smooth as long as they have maximum customers? The answer is a blur to me.

Anything I do is funny or cool until someone feels it is directed towards them.  It is amazing how many people get offended by the things I say or do when they know this is me.  To some, I am awesome at what I do; until they feel they get the short end of the stick.  The owners, promoters, DJs, and artists don’t get the slack; I do.  For everything I try to do right, as soon as one thing wrong happens, I am to blame.  If the mics don’t work, blame Spaceship.  Car got hit? Spaceship’s fault.  Toilet stopped up? Yep, Spaceship again.  When at the end of the day all I truly care about is others enjoying themselves.  To make the patrons go out and want to tell others about what they just experienced and how they should come out next time.

I haven’t loved going out since 2009.  The year my grandmother died.  One my goals were for my grandparents to see my successful.  And since they are both gone, I don’t have that person in my life that is proud of me.  I have to proud of me.  And that is very hard to do when you are your own worst critic.  Nothing I do satisfies me.  I have a thirst for greatness and each day I want to be a better person than I was yesterday.  Or I did. I find myself fighting to care about order.  If I am going to get the short end of the stick, why should I put all my heart in soul in something knowing it’s not benefitting me? The more I work, the more I find myself being less tolerable to the BS and politics that this industry hold. I used to be so strong.  Now I feel like an exoskeleton.

In this business, one’s personal life takes a back seat. Call it unfair but that’s the life.  Just like any major entertainer, the demand and schedule can leave a lot of lonely nights and traveling that some people don’t understand.  For me, I work hard on separating my personal and business.  But when my business affects my personal, it becomes problematic.   I left teaching to pursue this life, and I was happy with my release from Ally because I knew what I could accomplish.  It’s not finances, travel, the schedule, or even the groupies that drain me; it’s the one’s I call my friends and family. The people I have built relationships with and the ones that take my talent as an “anybody can do it” task.  This is where I don’t feel appreciated. That little devil is on my shoulder saying if anybody can do what you do, let them do it.  But I have a commitment to music.  I want to be the beacon of light for my generation.

I just don’t know.  I decided to write because that’s all I can do.  Even knowing as many people that I do, I still feel alone.  I feel like no one understands my struggle.  And if they do, they don’t care. So why talk about it.  Maybe walking away will let me see clearly if this is what I want to do.  I don’t think I will be missed.   If anything, I may become an afterthought.  A person with little historical value to this thing we call hip hop.  Now, the question is can I deal with that? Can I deal with knowing all my hard work was truly in vain?  I guess I am about to find out.  I love yall.  I don’t know how I will feel when I wake up, but the decision I make, I will stand by.  And I pray you will stand by me.

Love yall!!!!!!

Church

WD-SPACESHIP

Years are fast. I never imagined that the last blog I would write would be my last for almost a year.  The world has changed tremendously for me, and I will do my best to itemize this adventure without pissing off too many people. The question I have though is, “should it matter who I piss off?” In the year I have been gone, I have had a journey that only I was allowed to take. True, there have been many guardians by my side, but the walk has been a singular one. Last December is such a distant memory and yet, as 2013 approaches, I am excited about the things I have coming in store. I missed y'all tremendously.  There were a few times when I attempted to write. I think the day I got fired from my job, the day Operation Hip Hop dropped, and yesterday, the 3 year anniversary of my grandma passing.  For some reason, I deferred on those dates and chose today. I do apologize for my procrastination. It was intentional.

Well, for those that don’t know, I’m a full blown entertainer. Got fired from my job in March; a week before my birthday. And I was honestly relieved. I had asked God to take me from that situation but to make sure I could maintain my financial responsibilities. He has done that and much more.  Just based on this year, my lifelong resolution is to do right by him forever.  I literally saw what he can do if you believe. And believing sometimes can be the hardest thing. Especially to believe in someone we can easily forget about. I think we tend to think we do all of this alone. Promotions, kids, dating, advancements in life- we are not that powerful. We dictate the paths we take, but those paths are only given to us by God. For the first time in my life, I feel I am finally taking the right paths.

Sometimes it’s the simplest things that can change one’s fortunes. For me, it was my thinking. My actions were cool, but I lived with much doubt. Doubt in myself, doubt in my dreams, doubt in my ability to be great. I even think there was a fear to succeed. If I do make it, what next?? I had every excuse not to move to the next level. I didn’t want to charge people that have looked out for me, I was loyal to those that helped me get to where I was, and I don’t want to leave my kids. To me, these were valid points. So why am I doing this if I’m never going to expand my vision?? I can’t be a local joker; I have to succeed.  When I looked at all the investments I have made for this career, I can’t give up now. Once that thought began to process in my brain and the wheels started turning, I began to walk into that destiny. More doors were opening, not because of hook up factors, but because I EARNED them. My focus lessened on the struggle and more on the journey. We look at the circumstance too much in our lives. There are a lot of people living close to that poverty line; it’s simply your outlook and if you will let your circumstance determine your happiness.

Faith with works is dead. You can talk all day about what you gonna do, but what are you really doing?? Are you really putting in the time and effort into your dream? As an artist and a host, I see both sides of the spectrum. Its funny how I hear these cats talk about grinding and hustling but I rarely see you out in the streets. Posting videos and YouTube links on facebook don’t count. And yes, we all have lives and things to do. If that’s the case, STOP RAPPING!.....you are making a mockery of the industry and wasting time for others that really love this.  There were many things people in the industry told me but until I took a grasp of those things, I would never succeed. You have to invest in yourself, you have to create a buzz for yourself, and the music is only part of the business. The more you sew, the more you will reap. It is in your investment into yourself that the benefits will come. How do you gain interest on money if you never put anything in the bank?

So this is what is on my mind now. Greatness. Working and focusing on being the best person I can be and doing it honestly with respect to all those I am involved with. I want to extend a thank you for those that have stood by me this past year. I know I have a handful to work with lol. I’m getting there. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.

 

 

Love Yall!!!!

 

 

Church!!

DON'T LIKE YOU, NEVER HAVE

Dear You:

　

Thank you. For so long, I had been wondering what was wrong with me. It seems like time is flying by and I don’t have one clue on how to fix what I have messed up. That is until last night. Sometimes, we don’t understand why things happen to us. Or why we must take the path that God has chosen for us. It has been my mission to become all I can be, yet somehow, I continue to fight with the demons and inconsistencies that I am accustomed to. I try not to focus on negative much but I do ask myself all the time, “where is this leading?” Last night, you created a passion in me that I have not had since 2009. Yep, that was the year my grandmother passed. And probably the year I achieved the most success of my adult life. 2010 was a year I don’t remember. If someone said I let them down that year, I would not argue. My mind transform into this cave of solitude; I no longer had the “mojo” I once claimed to be the holder of.

Music was my only outlet. Yea, I had Jayla but since didn’t care about who I thought I was. She only cared about me being daddy. And that was fine as long as she was around. Without her in my face, I was a shell of my former self. I became a walking silhouette. I loved music, I loved hearing, breathing, surrounding myself with music but I stopped writing it. I stopped hosting it. I didn’t want to be associated with it under the premise that I had to take a vested interest in it. Music became a friend with benefits. My DJ was gone, my Essential Entertainment family was gone, my motivation was gone. I decided in 2011 to re-dedicate myself to my endeavors of music. I forced myself to stay “in my zone”. I set ground rules and regulations to ensure I did it right this time. I learned alot during my time off that I really didn’t understand until I got back in the game. I became a business man.

The hardest part about this journey was that I did become a little lazy and also dependant on people. Now, it was time for me to do it on my own. Sure, I will always have people to support me, but this was MY dream. This is MY destiny. I got the radio show poppin, started to work on the album a little more, and even started re-appearing at different shows. Over the course of this last year, I have added leading actor, comedian, stage manager, director, sound technician, caterer, and critic to my resume. I always wanted to get back to hosting but I refused to take over for my little bro who is doing his thing with Ja-Roq. I didn’t want to start my own club night because I know how risky and annoying those things could be. Until I realized that that is my calling. Some say I’m stupid for being so transparent and personal with people, knowing they can use that against me or take my words out of context. Oh well. This is me. I’m not perfect. Not even going to try to be anymore. That shit is hard to do!! What I am going to do is work hard on being a better me. And to reach my potential.

Now you may be reading this and asking yourself, “what the hell does any of this have to do with me?” Well, I shall tell you. Because of your snide remarks and and blatant disrespect of the hip hop community last night, you are officially the straw that broke the camel’s back. You are now my motivation. You became the face of everything I work hard to defeat. It’s not about “me” winning; it’s about “us”. And who is “us”? The many artist who are working hard to get their music out there and be heard. The artist that just want to be appreciated for their craft. The ones that want real talk and not just a fake ass gangsta taking them for granted. See, I have seen plenty of people like you, swearing you for the streets. But in reality, you just trying to line your pockets so that the streets can pay your fee. You don’t have a clue about the heart and soul of this music thing. The beat of every one of these underground artist goes through my veins and I will not allow wack people to deter them from their dreams. See, what you fail to realize about me is that I am smarter than you know. I’m methodical. I been doing this so long, I got tired. Now, I have a reason. I will not let you destroy Dallas hip hop. I will never judge you but I also can see what is not good for me. Some things, I have learned to stay away from.

Now I do understand every one will not hear my message. Some people that do hear it, will still be drawn to you and its not because they don’t know any better. It’s just that is all they are comfortable with. So don’t be surprised if less and less people want you in their presence. If someone sees or hears you, don’t get mad if they tune you out- it’s the nature of the beast. Rap, go somewhere. You have hurt too many of my people and its time you died a quick death. I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make you and your kind a thing of the past.

　

Love Always,

　

S.O.T.I